Who Knew

Sometimes when there is so much to say i end up saying nothing at all. Sometimes when there is so much to do i end up doing nothing at all(ask my wife). The fact of the matter is that I have no idea where to start. How could i not have anything to say when so many unexpected factors are affecting every minute of our lives?
Maybe saying nothing says it all.
The only thing that i want to ask and answer myself is can Type1 Diabetes be any more of a screwed up disease? Yes i do believe so. Particularlly when two parents have to manage it within a toddler.
I remember my life as far back when i was 3 years old. I remember the joy of waking up on Saturday morning and watching cartoons and eating cereal in my jammies. I remember growing up with two Sisters getting carted off to ones' ringette game and the others dance classes. I remember playing my very first hockey game. I remember feelings and emotions that came hand in hand with growing up. I remember feeling dejected, praised, and accepted.
I relate fully to my litle girl growng up. I know how she is feeling when she is promissed for the next day her dada will take her to get her first fish bowl and fish. I remember that excitement the anticipation and the joy, the unknown.
I remember ALL of these things.
What i do not remember and cannot relate what soever is having a low blood sugar in the midst of a play group. I do not remember having high blood sugar and feeling "icky" before bed. I do not remember having to hide behind the couch so that momma or dada will not see me when it is time to have a needle. I never knew anything about my body other than it hurts when i fall it feels nice when i am clean and i pee when i have to.
All of this i never will claim that i know what it feels like or ever in my life will i ever know what this all feels like.
This is what is so hard about this. I cannot share my daughters pain. I want to. It would be condusive to our lives and management if we knew. Life doesn't suck..this does.
This is not a "poor me" post at all. This is a reality post. The reality of how I will never ever know one of the biggest factors in my little Emma's life.
I pray to god there will be a cure. Please say a prayer with me.

I am going to poop in my pants when that countdown reaches "7 Days".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y80BBjJAUaI

Happy Birthday EMMA!!

From this...

And this...










To this...









Happy Birthday my Little Emma, Emms, Emmla, E, Emski, Babes, twerp, gorgeous, monkey, princess.
LOVE YOU.

Type 3 Diabetic

I often find myself saying out loud that if i had the chance to take Emma's diabetes away from her and give it to myself, i would without even missing a beat. I also find myself in situations where i try to figure out what Type 1's go through during lows and highs and how they feel and act. I always think about their thought process. And of course read it here on some great blogs.
Then at times when i am hungry and feeling week i am so grateful that my body can get through those times all by its self.
It is Emma's 3rd birthday tomorrow. She is such a big girl and so mature for her age. She is one of the most brilliant people i know. And i could not ask for anything more in a first daughter. The fact that she has diabetes in very concussive to where she is in her development. Also i believe for myself and my wife it has allowed us to not take anything for granted and has empowered us in many ways.
I am privileged to be a part of such a strong community and a community that strives for the same thing. I live with it everyday. I think about it constantly. I breath it. I sleep it. I hear it crying. I hear the confusion. I hear it scream for joy. So next year i will post what it is like being a Type 4 diabetic. I really pray i do not make it to be a type 21.

Emma is Such a Good Sleeper

When i picked Emma up today from her day care. She ran to me yelling "daaadddeeee". It is the cutest thing ever. She does it all the time. And if she is not far enough from me to let out a big "daaaaaddddeeee" she will back up just enough to get it out, and time it right, and jump into me as i catch her in mid air. Im serious she does this all the time. I guess it is "our thing".

Well now onto the next scene.

I asked one of the workers there what her lunch number was. And if blank looks can stall the escence of time we all would have an extra 20 seconds added on to our December 13.
At that point i experienced many changes within my quickly morphing emotions. I tried my darndest to hold them in. But all i got was a bleeding lip.

So fast forward 20 seconds which seemed like 20 years. I asked to see her KIT so i can actually see for myself her lunch number. They had no fucking clue where it was or even what it looked like. They looked through one cupboard. Nothing there but stupid sparkles (sparkles are stupid at this point). Long story short they found a cupboard that didnt have gay sparkles in and were shuffling things around...EVEN moving the fucking test kit aside to find the fucking test kit. (Ok this is where i take some deep replenishing breaths.) K i m good.
So the worker was so proud she found it. Passes it to me. I looked at "it" i looked at her i looked at "it". Yes "it" is in these things----> " " because "it" was an empty test strip box.
Ok. So i am not blaming the worker i am not blaming us i am not blaming the day care i am not blaming the Health Nurse (YURIS TEAM). I am just glad as fuck that this is the way i was informed of how poorly everyone is not on the page they should be on.

Much better than what we all know what an alternative could have been.

I have been replaying this scenario all night in my head. Not too far off i know now.

EMMA - "teacher ... my legs feel shaky.."

DAYCARE WORKER - "aww..so cute ...go have a rest in this back room where no one will bother you or see you"

Give me a fucking break. I have an appointment for work at 9:45 tomorrow morning. Emma is only going to be there for another 3 weeks. I will be down there at 9:00 am (Emma is staying home with mom tomorrow). I will be in a meeting prior to my 9:45 to say the least. So her 3 weeks may turn into 4 more days. We will see.

Maybe i will give them to go check out http://www.eyesrubbed.blogspot.com/ .

It is a tuff one...

Take a moment to view. Just wondering what you feel she had more fun at?

Hurting

This kinda sucks, actually strike that, this DOES suck. I have seen many of these types of pictures. The ones i have seen have a really strong impact. But not until you do it yourself it really hits you hard. This is from no more than approximately 10 or so days. There are some that have this many in their sharps container in a few days.

Putting these into the new sharps container one by one. Thinking that every single one of those syringes has a story to it. They are not all the same. The hundreds of injections she has received already not one story lines up the same. Sure the doses may equal each other from day to day at times. They may feel the same when the point hits her skin. It may always be at 7:30 am she is dosed. Same NPH, Same Novo Rapid, same ratio.

But where is the non tangibles with this?

I will tell you.

They are in both Momma and Dadda's hearts. They are in Emma's maturity at such a young age. They are countless emotions prior to an injection that Emma goes through. They are in our sadness. They are in our relief. They are in other children we see. They are every single fucking morning wishing for a cure.

That is where they are. That is why our hearts ache.