I Have a Dream

This does not seem to be getting any easier on us. It is always on our mind. We are 100% consumed by this disease. It feels like we are always thinking of ways and things to get over this. Such as lets go to the mall, lets not stay home from the wedding we were invited to yesterday, lets both go shopping, lets talk about something else, lets not look at other children and think Emma should be like them, lets not think about this, lets not think about this, lets not think about this.
Simply put...this is not going away. We have this for life. Emma will be fighting this for as long as she lives.
I used to dream. I used to dream about the hottest car on the block. I used to dream about the most charming and elaborated house in the neighborhood. I used to dream about traveling the world. I used to dream to have steak and sushi for dinner when I want. Those dreams are now mere thoughts. But now all I dream about is not having to get up in the morning and not have to give my daughter an insulin injection. I dream now of digging into a bag of cookies with my daugher tugging away at my pants for one, and me actually feeling great for giving her one without counting fucking carbs. I dream for my wife to not have to diligently plan her day as if her own life depended on it.
Upon Emma's conception we both did everything in our power to make our baby the most healthiest and happiest girl in the world. Then we get dumped on with this?! Why? Is this fair? As if you cannot tell I am just mad right now. Im sick of being sad. Im sick of my shoulders slouching when I walk and I am definitely more than sick of not being able to eat properly.
I know it will get easier. I know it will get routine and all that type of positive feedback. I know I know I know. But the thing that is the hardest is that the fact is has to become easier, routine, and a part of our life. So bring it on. We have and amazing team. We have a great leader. She makes me smile constantly even when I have tears streaming down my cheeks. Both me and Denise burst out in laughter in the middle of crying because of something she says or does. A smile will not cure diabetes but it sure is a good start.

We Have Her Dialed In

We have our Emma back!!! No more highs and lows. She is safe now. Just to give you an idea of how her highs went and lows went prior to her last two doses of insulin:
Friday BS (blood sugar) 23.1 mmol/l
Saturday Morning BS 4.0
Saturday Afternoon BS 2.8 and 3.0 mmol/l
Saturday Evening BS 17.8 mmol/l

Monday Morning BS 5.1
Monday Evening 13.8

Tuesday and Wednesday morning we administered her first two doses of 2 units of NPH (long lasting insulin)and her results since then have been dialed right within her target range of 6 - 12 mmol/l/l starting with 5.5, 5.7, 11.5, 6.0, 7.1, 6.1.
It is a good thing that something has been consistent because it is really hard to keep our emotions from going all over the board.
Denise and myself have done the flip flop with how we have been doing since Friday. I have had a hard last couple of days. I think it is because i know we have got a control on her diabetes now and at first i wanted her to be safe so i didn't wander too far into my feelings and thoughts because I knew both Denise and Emma needed me at the first stages. We find it the hardest when we read of other peoples struggles and stories and how they cope. But you know...we now have our own stories and mechanism's on how we cope.
This is all for now. We are happy that you visit this site and we hope you can do some reading on your own and comment on certain things on here. That would be nice. I hear of people reading this but just let us know you were here.
Sorry for the randomness of this post. I am tired so i will sign off for now.

Knowledge Is Power

Today was our first day of our 3 day clinic at the Community Services Center at the Childrens Hospital. The fear of the unknown has once again overcome our thoughts and emotions. Think of your first day at a new job or going to try out for an elite sporting squad and multiply that by 100. That is sort of how we felt at times lastnite and this morning.
When we arrived this morning to the exact same unit we went to on Friday (which seems like 4 weeks ago by the way) we were integrated with a bussle of nurses dietitians residents and most importantly of all about 6-9 kids ranging from 2 years old to 12 years. We went directly to the reception area and the receptionist asked if this was Emma. At that moment we knew this is where we were supposed to be and going to belong to for the next 18 years. From there we walked into a waiting room that was filled with displays on information regarding blood sugar levels and diet. We were sort of sitting there not knowing anyone or their stories looking at each other. Just then our Doctor entered the room and came directly to us. She was and is the most welcoming face to see in the past few days. She sensed our disposition and immediately went over to where a 9 year old was sitting and had her come over and talk to us. That little girl (cant remember her name) made us feel the best than any doctor or nurse or words have since Friday.
She was exactly what we needed. She was so brave to come and talk to us not knowing us from a hole in the ground. Just then another girl came to us her name is Alex, and mentioned how cute Emma is. So I thought wow this girl is smart;) She was diagnosed with type 1 when she was 11 and she is now 12. She assured us that Emma will have an extraordinary life. Little girls will sure grow up fast is they have to.
The entire day was spent talking to dieticians. First Carla until 10:00 or so ,then Nicole until lunch. Anna was a med student that essentially shadowed Carla and Nicole all day. We are so lucky to have them on our team they are brilliant and extremely compassionate. They are the ones who have empowered us today.
Emma was once again everyone's crutch. Singing away, playing with everything she can get her hands on, coloring on her stomach when no one was looking. You know "normal things". She made me smile all day long, I had no choice.
Briefly our goal now is not to alter Emmas diet but to adjust her insulin intake according to her carbohydrate intake. Her blood sugar level should be in the range of 6-10 for now. And we learned that she in the "Honeymoon Phase" where her pancreas is still producing minor amounts of insulin. But that will soon be depleted But until then she will be on small doses.
Tomorrow will be the first time myself and Denise will administer her insulin to her. We have agreed on not calling it the poke, or needle. But more like her test and her insulin. We will give her 2 units of a long lasting insulin called "NPH" just after breakfast and just before we go to the clinic. We administerd each other with saline today...and you know what?....I didn't even feel it.
Our learning curve is very steep right now we have alot to wrap our minds around. I want and need everyone to know what we know. We want to teach you all. Its important to us. Welcome to our world. Things have just changed for us.
So long for now and thank you everyone for their solid responses and love. That was sure nice to come home to today. Please do not hesitate to ask questions and learn with us.

Emma Is My Hero

It has been two days since we have learned that Emma has a serious disease that impairs the bodies ability to use food properly. We have been forced to understand our bodies in a way most people will never have to. Who the heck needed to know what the pancreas does. Or who needed to know for that matter. But the answer to this is us. Emmas pancreas does not produce the insulin needed to break down the glucose in her food to converted it to energy. Without insulin to turn glucose into energy the glucose piles up in the bloodstream and spills into the urine.
Now our mission is to treat this disease by monitoring her glucose levels in her blood. Counting her carbohydrate intake and manually balancing it with insulin. This type treatment will keep blood sugar levels normal to avoid complications.
At first we were convinced this was a mistake. A miss diagnosis. Or even a temporary illness. But these feelings quickly dissipated when we were told to get to the hospital as soon as possible.
Emma was admitted to the children's Hospital that nite (Friday September 29.).
This was easily the most intense overwhelming and shocking thing I have ever had to experience. After we knew she was safe, oddly enough it felt like we were grieving a loss. It had felt like we lost our little girl. All we wanted was our Emma back. Sometimes our emotions will overtake our logic and make us look selfish to the circumstance.

Denise has been taking Emma to and from doctors for the previous two days before Friday. And I have absolutely no idea how she kept it together. She single handedly saved our little girl from any complications, long term implications, and even death because of her impeccable judgment and commitment to her health.

On the scale to which Emma has been tested, moved around, poked, and prodded would have set anyone off. But not her. She only cried when she had to. She never ever fussed or got cranky. She listened to us as if her life depended on it. She played she laughed ran and climbed when ever she had the chance to.

That little girl deep down knows everything is going to be alright. She was my strength through all of this. My little trooper I love her so much.
At first I wanted to be Emmas hero but now it is clear that she is mine.

One Year Ago Today

It is my pleasure to send you...$100.00 .....for each of your children under six.

Thanks for the comment on my past blog STEPH!
I think you and cougarhunter are both missing the political forums that have been ignited on here before. However i must say that the extra $100.00 i am getting from our good friend Mr. Harper is helpipng with my golf game.
It comes in alot more handy than the
hundred Martin gave me.
And i am happy with how decisive and stern
he his with is thoughts and words on the issues going
on Overseas especially Kandahar. It seems to
me he is trying to morph
Canada out of that umm..."pussy image".
Please do not think for
one minute that i am at all open
to Bush and his followers. I still think he is an imbicile and a very scary man.
Kind of like that overdeveloped kid
in everyones grade 5 class that probably
had hair on his balls since grade 3 that everyone
was afraid of because of his unpredictability and
lack of direction. Then he became just a memory
of a person you want to kick in the face and
works at Foody Goody.
That was fun. Now off to research some
MLB games for today.
Have a great day.
Mood: Cafe 100.7

Have Fun In TO

Priceless

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending one of his companys office parties. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick! "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating. Jack asks, "Son. what happened last night?"
"Well," his son said, "you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and you got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused Jack asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins 38 cents
Saying the right thing at the right time . . . Priceless