What? You have diabetes too? Thats umm..terrific...

About a month ago i was having lunch with the boys in brown. Later on that lunch hour just after them checking their diads about 30 times each and laughing on how assinine the management is. I Learned that one of my co-workers sons was diagnosed with Type 1 about 2 weeks prior. It broke my heart and nearly brought me to tears. It is odd though the second thought that comes to mind for a split second is that "great! now we have someone in common with what we are going through"
But that quickly changes to madness that one of my friends life has changed.

Fast forward 1 month later to the PlayersCup. I was caddying once again for a friend of mine Luke. His girlfriend (since then now his fiance) Nikki has a sister that has Type 1 as well. So there was a natural connection when they came though and visited us here. Other than the fact she just fell in love with Emma and Anna.

So on the first day of the tournament i noticed the other golfers caddies bracelet. So i asked him what it was for. And he too was diagnosed with diabetes over a month and a half ago. (start doing the math here).

We talked about it. He seemed really brave and at peace with the whole thing which i thought was super. I watched him test, and talked about how he feels when he is low, high, etc. Could it be a facad? I don't know. I have never been diagnosed with diabetes when i was 14. So i took it as it was.


Days later i was at Safeway picking up a few things and i was thinking about him. Then i clued in on his glaring blue eyes just like Deb's from UPS. And it clicked. Boy did it click. I got on my phone immediately and called her. That was her son. I thought that was wild.

I had to address that because it is such a crazy ass disease and overtakes peoples lives at times. And This 14 year old was carrying a 50 pound golf bag up and down hills and following excellent etiquette and handling himself like a pro. Something i could never have done at 14 with out diabetes.

It Hurts Too Much Sometimes

Emma is starting not to understand why she needs needles all of the time. The more she is learning about what has happened to her the more she doesn't know what is happening to her. This in itself tears us to pieces.
I have not yet seen her wake us up in the morning with a huge smile on her face holding her NPH in one hand and her rapid in the other while her syringe is in her mouth asking us to please give her insulin because she needs it for energy and not to feel yucky. Or dropping everything she is doing because she wants to come over to us and have us give her a needle.
Weird eh?
Shit. Instead we are convincing her to settle and without struggle to take 5 seconds out of her day to dose her. It is getting harder and harder by the day to dose her. As much as the dosing is like clockwork so is her little excuses and evasiveness. FUCK.
The very worst moments of our lives can come at times when we finally convince her (on the verge of losing our Patience) to receive the injection, finally settling into her deep breathing, picking a site, and holding still. But dammit to all hell. That is the one that hurts her. That is the time she runs away from us. To her time out spot. Not wanting to have anything to do with us. Mom is crying at this point. I am crying. Emma is beside herself. Anna's face turns to a gleaming smile to a serious "knowing whats going on" kind of look.
Emma is hurt. Her skin hurts. Her yucky cells hurt. Full fledged tears.
As much as people ask us how we are doing and how Emma is doing with it all. We smile and say its good and go into our prefabricated "as long as we watch her, and she exercises, eats well..etc..everything is OK" sort of thing. It still fucking sucks.
I wish she could have had 6,8,10, or 14 years without this.
A break. A break. Give us a break for a year, a month, a day. An hour.

I will be better tomorrow.
Chris.

Run Forest Run

It is unreal what exercise and excitement brings to the diabetes table. This past week we have had the pleasure of having my little sisters kids stay with us. Emma has been beside herself! And so has her lower BS's. This is a really humble reminder on how much excercise means to a diabetics life. Makes me think of the first days of her DX when our Diabetes educator (who was featured on my last post standing with Denise at the walk) who is Type 1 as well. She is in incredible shape. She trains as if her life depends on it. Well you know it actually does depend on it!

She mentioned that often she does not have to take insulin during the day due to her working out running, playing soccer or whatever the case may be. So who better to have diabetes other than Emma. I am convinced at times she forgets how to walk because all she does is run as if she was Forest Gump!

I really wonder this all of the time about people with diabetes and parents with children with diabetes on how much exercise affects their lives. I wish i could have all of you in a room at one time and have the floor to ask these questions and hear your responses.

With saying that i would love to hear what you all have to say about this.

And remember to ask me about the Mentor ship program next time OK? I would love to tell you all about it!

Our last couple of months in pics....

And that is what we have been up to. I guess its called life. We think of everyone often and hope you all are doing tremendous!

This post could be what i need to get back in the game!

Talk to you all soon.
Chris.

Let's Walk It Out

http://emmaswalk.blogspot.com/

Paralyzed

Last week i travelled to Vancouver to attend a sales meeting at our head office. It was really nice to go back there. It is such an amazing world out there. There is no comparison to how life is out there and how it is out here.
I met up with a cousin of mine and my Aunt. I used to hang out with them often when i did my tour out there about 10 -15 years ago. The only care or responsibilities i had those days were to make sure i don't poop my pants, eat when hungry, and don't fall down when walking. Pretty care free days.
Fast forward to now. I know have a great job where people rely on me daily. I have gotten myself married and produced two girls. I have investments, two cars, and underwear with out any holes in them. So granted...things have changed a little since the last time i saw them.
I stayed the evening at their house. Caught up on a few things. One of the main focuses was with Emma and her diabetes. We talked and talked like we used to.
The next morning my aunt gave me a ride to the airport, and on the way we stopped in at the IHOP. The good ol' IHOP.
We continued to talk about life. Talk about Emma. Talk about the monster.
My aunt asked me straight up "what is the thing that scares you the most with Emma and her diabetes?".
Everything seemed to have stopped for that moment. It halted, life stopped, nothing mattered. I couldn't say another word. I was too busy stopping everything that was happening around me to vividly visualize the single most thing that scares me to no end.
My eyes glazed over as i pictured Emma running around at recess in grade 5. Happy as ever. Laughing. Running. Laughing. Imagining. Happy.
Then the first time she is ridiculed, teased, and taunted. The first time she is deliberately hurt. When they do this because of her diabetes.
I was paralyzed. I could not muster the words to tell her what scares me the most. I do not think i had to. I think she knew.
But i said it. It hurt to say it. Just as much as it hurts to think it. I am scared. because i know i cannot make it better.

Life is Good

Two months ago when we were discharged from the hospital with Anna seemed to be a very defining moment that would dictate the next 60 days and would suggest the next 6,000 days as well. Emma has been potty trained since about a month or so before her diagnoses. We contribute not knowing about her diabetes to the success fullness of how well she was trained. Since she had to go potty every hour she was getting good at it. We did think it was just a novelty and what the hell did we know we have never had to potty train anyone else. Almost like having a 12 pound baby. We knew no different. Any way the day Anna was born Emma peed her pants 5 times that day. So with that we knew this was not going to be like bringing home Emma 3 years ago. Sure she very well could have been high. Sure she could have been very jealous. Sure she could have been rebelling and maybe peeing on the floor we would have to leave this new baby at the hospital and everything would be like it was just hours ago. So onto the next scene of Emma's wet pants and panties hanging off the end of the diaper bag, with Emma wrapped with one of the Hospital blankets around her bottom and tucked into her parka. As i peered around the door to the nurses station making sure none of them saw us "Borrowing" their blanket then continuing to give mom the all clear sign just like the marines do so in all the movies. But a quick painless get away it wasn't. At this point Emma is draped over my shoulder with her back arched like a 3 year olds can only be arched looking at the nurses upside down waving and yelling "Byeeee Everybody" (Like the crack doctor in Simpson's withe the European accent). Following us is mom shuffling as fast as she can behind us, sh.sh....sh.sh....sh.sh..go her slippers carrying the car seat with an 11 pound new born and a bottle of hand lotion that we decided that we liked more than the hospital. This scene carries on through the lobby and through the revolving doors to our waiting fam van in -30 degree winter squall. Of course we have every ones attention at this point. And it is obvious that this blanket needs to be taken off for the car seat to buckle up. So with Emma half naked, me sweating profusely, Mom shuffling through the ice in her slippers, and Anna sound asleep i knew this car ride home is going to change our lives as we know it. And it did. And i love it.
If you could sit through that video there was something really special about it. Not the fact that she is the most amazing big sister. Nor the fact that she is so gentle and loving with her. But i had to take that video today because that is Emma. That is Emma without that fucking monster wearing her down. Without it eating at her making her cry, making her pee, making her say and do things that she is not. Her numbers have been spectacular lately. And when they are all in line like that we get Emma day in day out. Sure she is still 3 but an Emma 3. Does that make sense? We still struggle day in day out with this. It tears us up and it tears us down. You would think we would forget about it for a minute here and there but we dont. We think of it more when we should not think of it. It is there. It breaks my heart. Every new stage of her life it is there. Goddammit. why does it have to be there?
We are going to walk for Emma and everyone else in June. But besides the walking please pray for us. Please pray for all of the little ones that live with this as we do. Donate and walk with us on June 8th. Your prayers, efforts, and donations will be heard.

...if Diabetes could...

If Diabetes could play the trumpet...this is how it would look and sound.