Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Paralyzed

Last week i travelled to Vancouver to attend a sales meeting at our head office. It was really nice to go back there. It is such an amazing world out there. There is no comparison to how life is out there and how it is out here.
I met up with a cousin of mine and my Aunt. I used to hang out with them often when i did my tour out there about 10 -15 years ago. The only care or responsibilities i had those days were to make sure i don't poop my pants, eat when hungry, and don't fall down when walking. Pretty care free days.
Fast forward to now. I know have a great job where people rely on me daily. I have gotten myself married and produced two girls. I have investments, two cars, and underwear with out any holes in them. So granted...things have changed a little since the last time i saw them.
I stayed the evening at their house. Caught up on a few things. One of the main focuses was with Emma and her diabetes. We talked and talked like we used to.
The next morning my aunt gave me a ride to the airport, and on the way we stopped in at the IHOP. The good ol' IHOP.
We continued to talk about life. Talk about Emma. Talk about the monster.
My aunt asked me straight up "what is the thing that scares you the most with Emma and her diabetes?".
Everything seemed to have stopped for that moment. It halted, life stopped, nothing mattered. I couldn't say another word. I was too busy stopping everything that was happening around me to vividly visualize the single most thing that scares me to no end.
My eyes glazed over as i pictured Emma running around at recess in grade 5. Happy as ever. Laughing. Running. Laughing. Imagining. Happy.
Then the first time she is ridiculed, teased, and taunted. The first time she is deliberately hurt. When they do this because of her diabetes.
I was paralyzed. I could not muster the words to tell her what scares me the most. I do not think i had to. I think she knew.
But i said it. It hurt to say it. Just as much as it hurts to think it. I am scared. because i know i cannot make it better.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Life is Good

Two months ago when we were discharged from the hospital with Anna seemed to be a very defining moment that would dictate the next 60 days and would suggest the next 6,000 days as well. Emma has been potty trained since about a month or so before her diagnoses. We contribute not knowing about her diabetes to the success fullness of how well she was trained. Since she had to go potty every hour she was getting good at it. We did think it was just a novelty and what the hell did we know we have never had to potty train anyone else. Almost like having a 12 pound baby. We knew no different. Any way the day Anna was born Emma peed her pants 5 times that day. So with that we knew this was not going to be like bringing home Emma 3 years ago. Sure she very well could have been high. Sure she could have been very jealous. Sure she could have been rebelling and maybe peeing on the floor we would have to leave this new baby at the hospital and everything would be like it was just hours ago. So onto the next scene of Emma's wet pants and panties hanging off the end of the diaper bag, with Emma wrapped with one of the Hospital blankets around her bottom and tucked into her parka. As i peered around the door to the nurses station making sure none of them saw us "Borrowing" their blanket then continuing to give mom the all clear sign just like the marines do so in all the movies. But a quick painless get away it wasn't. At this point Emma is draped over my shoulder with her back arched like a 3 year olds can only be arched looking at the nurses upside down waving and yelling "Byeeee Everybody" (Like the crack doctor in Simpson's withe the European accent). Following us is mom shuffling as fast as she can behind us, sh.sh....sh.sh....sh.sh..go her slippers carrying the car seat with an 11 pound new born and a bottle of hand lotion that we decided that we liked more than the hospital. This scene carries on through the lobby and through the revolving doors to our waiting fam van in -30 degree winter squall. Of course we have every ones attention at this point. And it is obvious that this blanket needs to be taken off for the car seat to buckle up. So with Emma half naked, me sweating profusely, Mom shuffling through the ice in her slippers, and Anna sound asleep i knew this car ride home is going to change our lives as we know it. And it did. And i love it.
videoIf you could sit through that video there was something really special about it. Not the fact that she is the most amazing big sister. Nor the fact that she is so gentle and loving with her. But i had to take that video today because that is Emma. That is Emma without that fucking monster wearing her down. Without it eating at her making her cry, making her pee, making her say and do things that she is not. Her numbers have been spectacular lately. And when they are all in line like that we get Emma day in day out. Sure she is still 3 but an Emma 3. Does that make sense? We still struggle day in day out with this. It tears us up and it tears us down. You would think we would forget about it for a minute here and there but we dont. We think of it more when we should not think of it. It is there. It breaks my heart. Every new stage of her life it is there. Goddammit. why does it have to be there?
We are going to walk for Emma and everyone else in June. But besides the walking please pray for us. Please pray for all of the little ones that live with this as we do. Donate and walk with us on June 8th. Your prayers, efforts, and donations will be heard.