Sunday, December 10, 2006

What's the Difference

It is evident that Emma is a truly special little girl. Not special in the fact that we have to keep her in a bubble or touch her softly so that she doesn't break in half. But special for the fact that she has something very different from the little girl playing next to her. Different from the little boy that just finished asking Santa for his Transformer for christmas. Is she is different in a very special way? Or very special in a different way?
I would prefer to say that she is special in a different way. But that is not how I look at her 100% of the time. I do not do it in a sad or poor her sort of way. I think it is just a natural feeling.
It is natural to think that waking your daughter up in the morning and get the equipment ready to draw blood out of her finger to get a number that will dictate how we all feel collectively, is different.
It is also natural to think that your daughter is different when you have to tell her to go find her fishy because i have to inject her with a determined amount of drugs that will allow her to funtion normally throughout the day.
It is natural to think differently about your daughter after leaving in the morning to get coffee and coming back peering into the front window see her not playing but laying on the floor and Mom crouched above her with a needle stuck in her arm.
Yes she runs. Yes she plays. Yes she giggles and laughs. But not without me thinking "oh thank god she is laughing, playing, giggling and laughing".
Will there be a day where i dont thank god that she doing this? And just let her be?
Emma will go through her life running. By the looks of it she will not slow down for anything. There may be times we have to hold her hand or even have to carry her for that matter. But for sure she will go through her life with ones that will hold her hand and carry her because one day we will need the same from Emma. And this will come natural to her.
Thank you Emma. Thank you for showing me the value of life. Thank you for showing me the meaning of love. Thank you for being strong.
You are the difference.
Daddy loves you.

14 comments:

Vivian said...

Ok Chris, You made me cry, are you happy now? =) I know the D part sucks but what a blessing that our kids have brought to our lives. They have truly made us stop and realize how precious "ordinary" moments really are. They make us appreciate our other kids even more than before. They make us see, where before we were walking blind. You are such a great daddy!

Chris said...

Oh Vivian...im sorry. I needed to write. That is just what came out. I first started to write about being a ups guy during christmas but that was flat.
My wife cired and so did i if thats any consolation. You cry becasue you know how it is.
Thanks

MileMasterSarah said...

Chris,
I know this feeling and I could have written this same blog entry, although, not as beautifully as you have I'm certain! Having kids with special needs (which is what I think of diabetes as, a special need, they cannot do this without us!) just makes you look at them a little differently and perhaps treasure certain moments a little more. I know that with my peanut, sometimes just looking at her in her entirety with her small size and simple smile ( so constant, well along with her whine) it is enough to bring tears to my eyes. Why her? Why me? Why? Thanks for sharing this, it was enjoyable for me

Chrissie in Belgium said...

I have to put in my two cents here, and I probably shouldn't, but I will anyway. It is so wonderful to SEE your love for Emma. Diabetes affects everything. It affects how you relate to your diabetic child or how a diabetic parent relates to their children. The latter is my situation. You think you will not have kids, so when you do manage to have healthy, happy kids, you love them too pieces. You can never love to much, but beware because separation is also necessary. You have to let go, and that can be terribly difficult when you love so much. This applies to both "situations", yours and mine! Emma is one adorable, cute kid and it is beautiful seeing your love for her!

Paul Foreman said...

Chris, I echo everyone elses comments and particularly what Chrissie said "You can never love too much, but beware because separation is also necessary. You have to let go, and that can be terribly difficult when you love so much." (Wonderfully put) It was a very moving post - and something else has hit me regarding these blogs...they are creating a history to look back on for children like Emma. That is also beautiful, Stay well and be happy - Paul

Shannon said...

Ever since Brendon was diagnosed, I give thanks that all three of my children have the ability to do as their little bodies desire.

During times when they scream and complain and beat each other up and make messes and I just want to pull my hair out, and during the other times when they're laughing and playing and telling me the same joke over and over because they know they can get a laugh out of me, and I want to pull my hair out....I think back to the time right before Brendon was diagnosed when he was uncharacteristically quiet and lethargic and limp.

During that time, I wished I had my noisy talkative busy Brendon back...I missed him.

And when he was diagnosed and started to receive insulin, I did get my vibrant boy back. I was so thankful that he has the ability to be noisy and active and curious.

Noise and activity no matter whether it's the good or bad kind is music to my ears. I will never not appreciate it all no matter if they're kids or adults.

Shannon said...

Did my comment have ANYTHING to do with your post? LOL.

Carey said...

Chris, You have a great attitude and it's so obvious you cherish your daughter. Great post!

Penny said...

Chris,

I have had D living at my house for 14 months now and I have to tell you things change. I remember when Riley was first diagnosed, just pricking his finger first thing in the morning was painful, just to be starting the day that way. I wrote about it in a post one time and a mother said I'd get used to it, that it would become routine. I thought she was crazy. But, you know what? She was right.

Diabetes is just a part of our lives now. It used to be painful to see Riley's tubing sticking out of the waist band of his pants. Somehow it made him different. But, now, I barely notice. I changed his infusion set this morning without even hardly thinking about it. He stood there and watched cartoons the whole time, never flinching.

I didn't mean to go on and on here, but I just want to let you know that even though diabetes will always be there (baring a cure) and will always be a pain in the butt, eventually, you will be able to look at Emma and not even think about her D.

But, even after 14 months with this disease, I'm so much more thankful for the little things now. That's one positive that has come out of this horrible thing that happened to my son.

cHoCoMiLkRoCkS said...

You are such a wonderful father. Emma is so lucky.

Chris said...

All,
Wow. Thanks so much for the incredible response and positive feedback. And moreso thank you for sharing your stories with me/us.
We often think outloud and to ourselves about the WHY's? And what breaks my heart too is that our "penuts"will eventually not know any different.
Yes seperation is inevedible however i am not even close to thinking about letting go. But i know for sure there will be one day when i will more than likely pack her bags myself and show her the way and chant..."Fly Pelican ...FLY!";)
Shannon in a round about way yes your comment was related to my post. And even if it wasnt thanks eveyone for checking in here from time to time. That is special to me.
I was too not convinced when people would tell me that the testing and insulin will become second nature. Now she will keep playing give me her hand and not miss a beat. I love when that happens.
Insulin is another stroy all together. She is awesome with it buuut, she only wants it in her arm. Any suggestions on how to change sites without scaring her and changing the way she see's this?
Sorry about the choppy comment but im on lunch and still in "UPS" mode.

Shannon said...

Chris,

I have one word for you....BRIBES.

Brendon preferred his shots in his thighs and hated getting them in his arms.

Once all of the spots on his thighs were used up, we eventually, had to bribe him with a treat or a toy in order for him to let us give him shots in his arm.

If you can get at least two different body areas (like arms and legs or arms and buttocks), then you really have 4 areas to work with, so they can be rotated each time and you'll get more mileage.

Jamie said...

This is a great post, Chris. What you wrote, so many of us parents have felt at one time or another.

Time is the only thing that helps you view the whole Diabetes thing a bit differently. I still hate the disease with a passion - and, like my last post shows, there are times when it's in your face full force. I don't know whether to say fortunately or unfortunately, but diabetes is now a daily part of our lives. A lot of the time I don't think twice about it, honestly. We just do what we have to do - Danielle couldn't care less as she goes about her life before and after her pokes and needles.

Emma certainly is lucky to have you two as parents (and you are lucky to have her as your child!). Children are blessings no matter what. As it goes, you will get to the point where seeing your little one get a needle, get her fingers poked, etc., doesn't even phase you - it's just "what you do". I never thought I'd write something like that, but that is how goes.

Bernard Farrell said...

Chris

Thanks. I can't say much more, or anything like enough.