Rub Eyes When Needed

Crossfit + Diabetes

2009-10-02T12:36:00.002-05:00

I have become more or less an expert on Diabetes. Type 1 in particular i do know about type 2 but i do not know what makes a type 2 diabetic tick.
Sticking with what i know. A TYPE 1 diabetic has a lifelong difficult uphill struggle to maintain their blood glucose levels. Type 1 is "known" as and autoimmune disease. No one knows exactly what triggers someones body to turn on itself. These people have to act think like one of the most complex organs in the human body.
So what is the formula? How does a human being act like a human organ?
It is all about the trifecta - Diet, exercise, and insulin. Take one of those out of the mix and the diabetic will fail, or even die. But what if we took away insulin? But instead we replaced it with intense broad and general fintess.
Replaced it with a 500meter row 20 renegade push ups and another 500 meter row.
Or replaced it with murph, nancy, diane, fran.
Would these people help others live their life without insulin?
My vision is EMMA not taking 3 insulin shots a day. I see her sucking on a juice box after or before a WOD, ringette game, jazz recital.
I have read that a crossfitter with type 1 in the states along with his diet only needs one shot of a long lasting insulin a day. His carb intake is very low and his exercise is plenty instense everyday.
Would you do Crossfit not to have to inject yourself everyday?
Would type 2 diabetes be such an epidemic? Would we be fat? Would we die, loose a leg, loose vision?
It pains me that most type 2 diabetics can prevent this from happening to them yet they continue on uneducated, unwilling to be better, and unwilling to care enough. And where Emma has no fucking choice in the matter.

I really want to hear/see your perspective in this because you all of course are the real experts on this.
Let me know if i am way off or hitting the mark fully or slightly.
I need to know. I need to keep my vision clear.

Kinder - what - what!

2009-09-12T09:23:00.003-05:00

First day of Kindergarten.
It did not really hit me until walking into that playground with school bus's buzzing around, teachers corralling their classes, and countless energetic kids running around with their mates.
Structured learning is something that is very welcomed at t his point. Until now sure she has learned but not to the extent of an actual curriculum based learn.
Everyone was excited, but Anna had no clue other than Barney had to be stopped 10 minutes earlier that morning.

Fortunately there will be a nurse in her room at all times. This is not how things are done in Canada with type 1 but there is a girl in her room that requires that care. So that just gives us copious amounts of confidence from day to day. Mrs. S (teacher) none the less seems to be really really good. And we have heard a lot about her.

An emergency kit is available in the Kindergarten room, gym, and the office. Ready for those hopefully none existent lows. Pictures of students with medical needs are not permitted in the school system any more. But from day to day everyone will learn about Emma.

Emma mentioned about 10 times yesterday how much she likes Kindergarten. And was very talkative about her first class.

Mom cried, i didn't.
Moving forward however terrifies me to death on the first time she is excluded, teased, or singled out because of her type 1. It terrifies me because i will not know how to react. But i will react. Usually without thinking. I ONLY want to say the right things to Emma when this happens. Q. Has this happened to you? Your child? How do you deal with it? What do you say to them? <----- reaching out for help.

Not much gets to me...but this certainly does.

My Big Girl. I love you so much.

2009-09-09T11:50:00.000-05:00

Baby girl...I wish you did not have diabetes.

argh.

2009-09-07T22:58:00.003-05:00

When your 4 (almost 5) year old type 1 diabetic child tells you that she is shaky and feels low....FUCKING LISTEN TO HER.

Oh man do i ever feel like an idiot. Please let me beat myself up for a bit here.

Yesterday Emma and myself were doing our own thing in the basement...playing dolls and playing tiger woods golf...(insert who was doing what here).

EMMA: "Dadee...i'm feeling shaky."

Dadee: "Okay E. "

So i guess when she heard my words "Okay E". She felt i was in control of the situation and i would look after her. But god dammit. Why did i not listen to her. Why did i not do something about this right away. I feel like balling as i write this.
NOT the least bit acceptable. We preach, advocate, brag, on how well we manage her diabetes and how dialed in we are. Also on how well Emma is in control of how she feels and how she can literate it.
All of that went down the toilet yesterday - for myself.
Yes obviously she was REALLY low. After i got off my ass and looked after her i drove to macs and got her a 10g thin chocolate bar. So after that she was 2.8 (50.4).
This was so bad she told mom what happened and started to cry.
Cry because she thought i did not care?
Did she cry because she felt like shit and i did not do anything about it?
Was she crying because she knows exactly what happened - and daddy fucked up on such a serious volume?

Terrible terrible.
This will never happen again.
I am so thankful and blessed to have Denise on this side of Emma's diabetes. Momma is as close to a cure there is in my eyes.
Thanks for looking after my girl.

2009-08-17T14:41:00.001-05:00

Explain?

2009-07-17T09:28:00.002-05:00

This was taken over a year or so ago. Can you do your best to explain what is going on here? If you do not know please ask me. I expect most OC bloggers to know but i do not expect many others to know. But Please give it a shot!-no pun intended.
Numbers and ratios have changed a lot since.

Chris.

A + B = C

2009-06-06T22:07:00.010-05:00

It was a cold and miserable winter.
Good thing i had my girls.
Anna grew like a weed and Emma just kept on getting more spectacular.

I do not know what was colder...the weather or Emma's scowl.

Renovations started in our outdated rec-room.
Once i came this far there was no turning back.

Really...what the heck did i get myself into.
This job should only have taken 2 weeks -
But with kids...and life happening it went into the three month range

Vapor barrier...2x4 studded walls...were getting there...

There were quite a few moments of overwhelm-ness. I became handy this past year when i got some quotes from contractors to do simple things. I probably saved $2-3,000 at the end of it all. And as a Ukrainian that is gold to me.

Meanwhile during the bitterness of -40 C and the disaster downstairs...Emma and Anna found some things to do. They are best friends (so far).

Getting there.

My "baby".

My Princess.

She loves doing things with her hands. Just like her daddy. Get a pen and paper some scissors and a mindful of ideas and creativity she can do anything.

Happy 1st birthday Anna! (sorry about the hat).
She is FULL of personality. I cannot help but smile ear to ear when i hear, see, or think of her.
She is not walking yet. I really do not want her to...she is a VERY busy woman! Absolute polar opposite of Emma. This is what makes them so great.

'POOF' - Done! Yea right. Almost 3 1/2 months later.

I am pretty happy with it.

Almost perfect.

Relax....?!?!?!.....ummm no....

Yard sale. The walk is next week so we decided to have this to raise money. Friends and family mostly donated stuff to us to sell. There are a great handful of people in our lives that really make a difference when we reach out.
Doing things like this is still very emotional to myself. Organizing anything to do with this chokes me up but that keeps me going in a sense. I feel privileged to be involved with a first class Charity.

All because. I love you Princess.

Show and Tell.

2009-02-25T10:07:00.003-06:00

Over the weekend after Anna turned 1 (!!!!) we showed Emma her insulin pens. She was very interested and was enthralled hanging on our every word. So at the end of our talk/demonstration she decided it would be best if she would bring the pens to daycare for 'show and tell'.
Of course we let her (they are not in use and have no insulin in them or anyting BTW).
As much as it broke our hearts it really demonstrated on how Emma is and will be accepting Diabetes in her life. We have always put it out there as not being - bad blood sugars - bad numbers - we hate giving needles - etc.
We have ALWAYS empowered her. Since day one she has been in control of it. As much as there are times where we want to give her ultimatums to get insulin, get tested when she puts up a 'stink' . We will never take toys away, send her to her room, say she cannot do anything. this may sound like a no brainer but i have heard storey's and you can tell who does such things to their wee ones.
First thing this morning even before her chocolate milk she made me put her pens on the counter so she would not forget them. Who knows if she really knows whats going on but who knows maybe she knows more than we actually think she knows.
She sure is special!

The weather and a quote

2009-02-12T07:33:00.002-06:00

When the weather is bad with the rest of the world...it is always worse in Manitoba!
Skating down streets and Higways has proven to be the safer mode of transportation lately. I still have not fallen, which i believe i am a dying breed. But when you get a layer of snow over this treacherous foundation like we will get today who knows what will happen?!!

Emma mentioned to me this morning "Daddy when Anna gets diabetes like when i was two she can have my baby test kit".
If that doesn't bring tears to your eyes i do not know what will.

Homer Simpson Has Nothing On Me

2008-12-17T20:31:00.004-06:00

Thank you so much for the nice birthday wishes for Emma yesterday. Among the comments and the thoughts she had a tremendous birthday...ummm....week. The past 5 or so days have been full of birthday events.
But my favorite one was taking her to Madagascar 2. She is a big girl now and she goes to big girl movies.
So i thought i would be all Mr. Dad tonight with Emma and be a figure to her just after i gave her insulin.
I asked her if she knows what diabetes is? She looked at me and waited for this educating explanation that would clarify ALL questions that she had about it.
But instead it went like this.....

"Well Emma. Diabetes is when your body make the stuff that you need to play and move. And when you move the diabetes doesn't take your food and help you move lots. (at this point she is looking behind me at her BRATS cup, so i know this isnt going so well so i must stop talking so darned ummm...stupid). Actually it means you need insulin so you can play.

Oh my god. How brutal was that. I know when i walked away she had to have rolled her eyes at me.
I think i will stick to explaining an offside or an icing call.

oy vay.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl!

2008-12-15T23:17:00.003-06:00

I tell her 5 times a day how much i love her.

I kiss and bite her cheeks easily 3-5 times a day.

I tell her that she is the smartest little girl i know.

I tell her that her eyes can light up the night.

I tell her she is the best big sister ever.

I hug her numerous times a day.

I let her know she is the bravest person i know after every time i pull the trigger on the lancet device.

I dream for her.

I ask her to be a good girl.

I want her to love some one as much as i love her.

Four years ago i didnt know how to do all of this. I did not know what i was capable of. But a little helpless ball of joy changed that for me. Thank you Emma.

And Happy Birthday! You deserve NOTHING but the very best!

I love you.

Dada.

Break

2008-12-09T22:31:00.006-06:00

Obvioulsy i am taking a break from blogging about Emma's diabetes. I still lurk on here from time to time and i really enjoy reading your comments when I do actually blog. Even though the penis mightier i will just throw a few pics on here just to let you all know we are alive and well.

One Month ago yesterday....

2008-10-30T17:05:00.000-05:00

..I blogged.

One year ago today. Two years ago today.

2008-09-29T17:47:00.005-05:00

I knew there was something significantly life changing about this date. But all day i just could not figure it out. Last year if you told me i would almost forget about this i would have told you that you are off your rocker.
Its amazing how times change and how we all adapt and live.

My Bravest

One Year Ago.

.

Think about us today.
Thank you.
We almost missed it.

Yous Guys is Killn' Me here...

2008-09-29T07:54:00.006-05:00

ETC...

2008-09-28T16:00:00.004-05:00

Emma's last A1C taken on September 19th was 6.9.
Well done Momma and Emma.
We are settled in our new home.
Emma is in pre school.
Anna is 7 months old.
My work is busy.
Momma goes back to work in January.
Emma can turn the computer on and go into her games.
The summer is over.
Anna is up so i better go.

What? You have diabetes too? Thats umm..terrific...

2008-07-28T10:37:00.003-05:00

About a month ago i was having lunch with the boys in brown. Later on that lunch hour just after them checking their diads about 30 times each and laughing on how assinine the management is. I Learned that one of my co-workers sons was diagnosed with Type 1 about 2 weeks prior. It broke my heart and nearly brought me to tears. It is odd though the second thought that comes to mind for a split second is that "great! now we have someone in common with what we are going through"
But that quickly changes to madness that one of my friends life has changed.

Fast forward 1 month later to the PlayersCup. I was caddying once again for a friend of mine Luke. His girlfriend (since then now his fiance) Nikki has a sister that has Type 1 as well. So there was a natural connection when they came though and visited us here. Other than the fact she just fell in love with Emma and Anna.

So on the first day of the tournament i noticed the other golfers caddies bracelet. So i asked him what it was for. And he too was diagnosed with diabetes over a month and a half ago. (start doing the math here).

We talked about it. He seemed really brave and at peace with the whole thing which i thought was super. I watched him test, and talked about how he feels when he is low, high, etc. Could it be a facad? I don't know. I have never been diagnosed with diabetes when i was 14. So i took it as it was.

Days later i was at Safeway picking up a few things and i was thinking about him. Then i clued in on his glaring blue eyes just like Deb's from UPS. And it clicked. Boy did it click. I got on my phone immediately and called her. That was her son. I thought that was wild.

I had to address that because it is such a crazy ass disease and overtakes peoples lives at times. And This 14 year old was carrying a 50 pound golf bag up and down hills and following excellent etiquette and handling himself like a pro. Something i could never have done at 14 with out diabetes.

It Hurts Too Much Sometimes

2008-07-24T11:12:00.002-05:00

Emma is starting not to understand why she needs needles all of the time. The more she is learning about what has happened to her the more she doesn't know what is happening to her. This in itself tears us to pieces.
I have not yet seen her wake us up in the morning with a huge smile on her face holding her NPH in one hand and her rapid in the other while her syringe is in her mouth asking us to please give her insulin because she needs it for energy and not to feel yucky. Or dropping everything she is doing because she wants to come over to us and have us give her a needle.
Weird eh?
Shit. Instead we are convincing her to settle and without struggle to take 5 seconds out of her day to dose her. It is getting harder and harder by the day to dose her. As much as the dosing is like clockwork so is her little excuses and evasiveness. FUCK.
The very worst moments of our lives can come at times when we finally convince her (on the verge of losing our Patience) to receive the injection, finally settling into her deep breathing, picking a site, and holding still. But dammit to all hell. That is the one that hurts her. That is the time she runs away from us. To her time out spot. Not wanting to have anything to do with us. Mom is crying at this point. I am crying. Emma is beside herself. Anna's face turns to a gleaming smile to a serious "knowing whats going on" kind of look.
Emma is hurt. Her skin hurts. Her yucky cells hurt. Full fledged tears.
As much as people ask us how we are doing and how Emma is doing with it all. We smile and say its good and go into our prefabricated "as long as we watch her, and she exercises, eats well..etc..everything is OK" sort of thing. It still fucking sucks.
I wish she could have had 6,8,10, or 14 years without this.
A break. A break. Give us a break for a year, a month, a day. An hour.

I will be better tomorrow.
Chris.

Run Forest Run

2008-07-10T22:54:00.003-05:00

It is unreal what exercise and excitement brings to the diabetes table. This past week we have had the pleasure of having my little sisters kids stay with us. Emma has been beside herself! And so has her lower BS's. This is a really humble reminder on how much excercise means to a diabetics life. Makes me think of the first days of her DX when our Diabetes educator (who was featured on my last post standing with Denise at the walk) who is Type 1 as well. She is in incredible shape. She trains as if her life depends on it. Well you know it actually does depend on it!

She mentioned that often she does not have to take insulin during the day due to her working out running, playing soccer or whatever the case may be. So who better to have diabetes other than Emma. I am convinced at times she forgets how to walk because all she does is run as if she was Forest Gump!

I really wonder this all of the time about people with diabetes and parents with children with diabetes on how much exercise affects their lives. I wish i could have all of you in a room at one time and have the floor to ask these questions and hear your responses.

With saying that i would love to hear what you all have to say about this.

And remember to ask me about the Mentor ship program next time OK? I would love to tell you all about it!

Our last couple of months in pics....

2008-07-05T11:37:00.009-05:00

And that is what we have been up to. I guess its called life. We think of everyone often and hope you all are doing tremendous!

This post could be what i need to get back in the game!

Talk to you all soon.
Chris.

Let's Walk It Out

2008-05-14T22:04:00.000-05:00

http://emmaswalk.blogspot.com/

Paralyzed

2008-04-29T13:10:00.002-05:00

Last week i travelled to Vancouver to attend a sales meeting at our head office. It was really nice to go back there. It is such an amazing world out there. There is no comparison to how life is out there and how it is out here.
I met up with a cousin of mine and my Aunt. I used to hang out with them often when i did my tour out there about 10 -15 years ago. The only care or responsibilities i had those days were to make sure i don't poop my pants, eat when hungry, and don't fall down when walking. Pretty care free days.
Fast forward to now. I know have a great job where people rely on me daily. I have gotten myself married and produced two girls. I have investments, two cars, and underwear with out any holes in them. So granted...things have changed a little since the last time i saw them.
I stayed the evening at their house. Caught up on a few things. One of the main focuses was with Emma and her diabetes. We talked and talked like we used to.
The next morning my aunt gave me a ride to the airport, and on the way we stopped in at the IHOP. The good ol' IHOP.
We continued to talk about life. Talk about Emma. Talk about the monster.
My aunt asked me straight up "what is the thing that scares you the most with Emma and her diabetes?".
Everything seemed to have stopped for that moment. It halted, life stopped, nothing mattered. I couldn't say another word. I was too busy stopping everything that was happening around me to vividly visualize the single most thing that scares me to no end.
My eyes glazed over as i pictured Emma running around at recess in grade 5. Happy as ever. Laughing. Running. Laughing. Imagining. Happy.
Then the first time she is ridiculed, teased, and taunted. The first time she is deliberately hurt. When they do this because of her diabetes.
I was paralyzed. I could not muster the words to tell her what scares me the most. I do not think i had to. I think she knew.
But i said it. It hurt to say it. Just as much as it hurts to think it. I am scared. because i know i cannot make it better.

Life is Good

2008-04-27T22:10:00.005-05:00

Two months ago when we were discharged from the hospital with Anna seemed to be a very defining moment that would dictate the next 60 days and would suggest the next 6,000 days as well. Emma has been potty trained since about a month or so before her diagnoses. We contribute not knowing about her diabetes to the success fullness of how well she was trained. Since she had to go potty every hour she was getting good at it. We did think it was just a novelty and what the hell did we know we have never had to potty train anyone else. Almost like having a 12 pound baby. We knew no different. Any way the day Anna was born Emma peed her pants 5 times that day. So with that we knew this was not going to be like bringing home Emma 3 years ago. Sure she very well could have been high. Sure she could have been very jealous. Sure she could have been rebelling and maybe peeing on the floor we would have to leave this new baby at the hospital and everything would be like it was just hours ago. So onto the next scene of Emma's wet pants and panties hanging off the end of the diaper bag, with Emma wrapped with one of the Hospital blankets around her bottom and tucked into her parka. As i peered around the door to the nurses station making sure none of them saw us "Borrowing" their blanket then continuing to give mom the all clear sign just like the marines do so in all the movies. But a quick painless get away it wasn't. At this point Emma is draped over my shoulder with her back arched like a 3 year olds can only be arched looking at the nurses upside down waving and yelling "Byeeee Everybody" (Like the crack doctor in Simpson's withe the European accent). Following us is mom shuffling as fast as she can behind us, sh.sh....sh.sh....sh.sh..go her slippers carrying the car seat with an 11 pound new born and a bottle of hand lotion that we decided that we liked more than the hospital. This scene carries on through the lobby and through the revolving doors to our waiting fam van in -30 degree winter squall. Of course we have every ones attention at this point. And it is obvious that this blanket needs to be taken off for the car seat to buckle up. So with Emma half naked, me sweating profusely, Mom shuffling through the ice in her slippers, and Anna sound asleep i knew this car ride home is going to change our lives as we know it. And it did. And i love it.
If you could sit through that video there was something really special about it. Not the fact that she is the most amazing big sister. Nor the fact that she is so gentle and loving with her. But i had to take that video today because that is Emma. That is Emma without that fucking monster wearing her down. Without it eating at her making her cry, making her pee, making her say and do things that she is not. Her numbers have been spectacular lately. And when they are all in line like that we get Emma day in day out. Sure she is still 3 but an Emma 3. Does that make sense? We still struggle day in day out with this. It tears us up and it tears us down. You would think we would forget about it for a minute here and there but we dont. We think of it more when we should not think of it. It is there. It breaks my heart. Every new stage of her life it is there. Goddammit. why does it have to be there?
We are going to walk for Emma and everyone else in June. But besides the walking please pray for us. Please pray for all of the little ones that live with this as we do. Donate and walk with us on June 8th. Your prayers, efforts, and donations will be heard.

...if Diabetes could...

2008-03-11T15:05:00.002-05:00

If Diabetes could play the trumpet...this is how it would look and sound.

My Turn

2008-03-05T21:06:00.002-06:00

Ok it is my turn...

Emma said Fuck yesterday. And when we asked her what did she say. She looked away and said "FUCKY".

It took EVERYTHING we had not to piss ourselves after she left the room.

Diabetes blows.

Supersister

2008-03-01T20:42:00.005-06:00

Emma,
Thank you for letting Dada post about me on your blog. So far you have been a really great big sister. I love it especially when you hold me on the couch. But it is too bad that your arms get sore so quickly (psst...don't worry i will not tell them about the booger you wiped on the cushion). Also when you touch my head with your hands to gently i know that you are there and care for me.
I have seen you get your finger poked and blood comes out. Then Momma and Dada talk about it. But they always give you hugs after they talk about it. I am not sure what that is all about yet, but i know you will tell me when I am ready. I hope that you tell me a lot of stuff. Even stuff that they do not know about.
I like playing with you. It seems like you have practiced or something before i came home. You know exactly what to say and do to me. You are amazing just like Mommy and Dada say. I think those needles you get everyday are superpowers that only big sisters get. I am lucky. Now lets go dress Dada up like a princess.

Estrogen

2008-02-27T21:09:00.003-06:00

All is well at home. I now have three girls that live under my roof. I really like the sounds of that. But just like anything that surely has two sides to it. The best part of it is that I HAVE TWO GIRLS. The flip side of that is I HAVE TWO GIRLS. Oh my. It is incredible how quickly life changes. How intensely your feelings toward others has grown stronger and more complex.

Having a new born is really easy. Because we have done it before. We are much more relaxed and go with the flow much more than we did with Emma.

The hardest part is having a new born with a 3 year old. Now this is like nothing we could have imagined before. We tried. We thought. We figured. But nothing close to the dynamic we have now. But you know what...i would not trade it for ANYTHING in this entire world.

Emma has grown so much this past 3 days. I lift her up and i am instantly carrying a very big little girl in every sense of the word. I talk to her like i am talking to a 13 year old. She gets everything. She is by far the glue in this house lately.

She is humbling to me. Humbling to the effect that i have reverted back to my basics as a Father. I lover her for that.

As for little Anna. Well she poops. Oh lord does she poop. No mistake there that she is mine. And yes she is the most adorable little creature you could every lay eyes on. I am excited for her. She sleeps. My neck gets sore for starring at her sleeping, something i may not do when she is 14. That would just be creepy. She cries. I love her cry (for now). It is so soothing to me. I feel like everything is ok when she cries. Especially when she opens her mouth giving us all a "holla" and seeing her thin little tongue quiver and her cheeks glow a bright red, so adorable.

God has blessed us.

Anna Mae

2008-02-23T21:34:00.002-06:00

She is just perfect!

No Shame To My Game

2008-02-19T08:55:00.004-06:00

Oh yea i almost forgot...Diabetes Sucks!

I Love Lip Dub

2008-02-18T15:56:00.001-06:00

Lip Dub - Flagpole Sitta by Harvey Danger from amandalynferri on Vimeo.

My Little Ballerina...?

2008-02-17T21:06:00.003-06:00

These poses were suggessted by none other than Emma herself. I think we should be going to a contemporary dance studio instead.

No News (Yet)

2008-02-16T19:18:00.002-06:00

but cramping...
but anxious...
but tired...
but bloated...
..and thats just me, imagine how Momma feels.

Life

2008-02-11T21:55:00.000-06:00

Who Knew

2008-02-02T08:35:00.000-06:00

Sometimes when there is so much to say i end up saying nothing at all. Sometimes when there is so much to do i end up doing nothing at all(ask my wife). The fact of the matter is that I have no idea where to start. How could i not have anything to say when so many unexpected factors are affecting every minute of our lives?
Maybe saying nothing says it all.
The only thing that i want to ask and answer myself is can Type1 Diabetes be any more of a screwed up disease? Yes i do believe so. Particularlly when two parents have to manage it within a toddler.
I remember my life as far back when i was 3 years old. I remember the joy of waking up on Saturday morning and watching cartoons and eating cereal in my jammies. I remember growing up with two Sisters getting carted off to ones' ringette game and the others dance classes. I remember playing my very first hockey game. I remember feelings and emotions that came hand in hand with growing up. I remember feeling dejected, praised, and accepted.
I relate fully to my litle girl growng up. I know how she is feeling when she is promissed for the next day her dada will take her to get her first fish bowl and fish. I remember that excitement the anticipation and the joy, the unknown.
I remember ALL of these things.
What i do not remember and cannot relate what soever is having a low blood sugar in the midst of a play group. I do not remember having high blood sugar and feeling "icky" before bed. I do not remember having to hide behind the couch so that momma or dada will not see me when it is time to have a needle. I never knew anything about my body other than it hurts when i fall it feels nice when i am clean and i pee when i have to.
All of this i never will claim that i know what it feels like or ever in my life will i ever know what this all feels like.
This is what is so hard about this. I cannot share my daughters pain. I want to. It would be condusive to our lives and management if we knew. Life doesn't suck..this does.
This is not a "poor me" post at all. This is a reality post. The reality of how I will never ever know one of the biggest factors in my little Emma's life.
I pray to god there will be a cure. Please say a prayer with me.

2008-01-07T21:21:00.000-06:00

I am going to poop in my pants when that countdown reaches "7 Days".

2007-12-18T09:34:00.000-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y80BBjJAUaI

Happy Birthday EMMA!!

2007-12-16T14:37:00.000-06:00

From this...

And this...

To this...

Happy Birthday my Little Emma, Emms, Emmla, E, Emski, Babes, twerp, gorgeous, monkey, princess.
LOVE YOU.

Type 3 Diabetic

2007-12-15T14:29:00.000-06:00

I often find myself saying out loud that if i had the chance to take Emma's diabetes away from her and give it to myself, i would without even missing a beat. I also find myself in situations where i try to figure out what Type 1's go through during lows and highs and how they feel and act. I always think about their thought process. And of course read it here on some great blogs.
Then at times when i am hungry and feeling week i am so grateful that my body can get through those times all by its self.
It is Emma's 3rd birthday tomorrow. She is such a big girl and so mature for her age. She is one of the most brilliant people i know. And i could not ask for anything more in a first daughter. The fact that she has diabetes in very concussive to where she is in her development. Also i believe for myself and my wife it has allowed us to not take anything for granted and has empowered us in many ways.
I am privileged to be a part of such a strong community and a community that strives for the same thing. I live with it everyday. I think about it constantly. I breath it. I sleep it. I hear it crying. I hear the confusion. I hear it scream for joy. So next year i will post what it is like being a Type 4 diabetic. I really pray i do not make it to be a type 21.

Emma is Such a Good Sleeper

2007-12-13T20:54:00.000-06:00

When i picked Emma up today from her day care. She ran to me yelling "daaadddeeee". It is the cutest thing ever. She does it all the time. And if she is not far enough from me to let out a big "daaaaaddddeeee" she will back up just enough to get it out, and time it right, and jump into me as i catch her in mid air. Im serious she does this all the time. I guess it is "our thing".

Well now onto the next scene.

I asked one of the workers there what her lunch number was. And if blank looks can stall the escence of time we all would have an extra 20 seconds added on to our December 13.
At that point i experienced many changes within my quickly morphing emotions. I tried my darndest to hold them in. But all i got was a bleeding lip.

So fast forward 20 seconds which seemed like 20 years. I asked to see her KIT so i can actually see for myself her lunch number. They had no fucking clue where it was or even what it looked like. They looked through one cupboard. Nothing there but stupid sparkles (sparkles are stupid at this point). Long story short they found a cupboard that didnt have gay sparkles in and were shuffling things around...EVEN moving the fucking test kit aside to find the fucking test kit. (Ok this is where i take some deep replenishing breaths.) K i m good.
So the worker was so proud she found it. Passes it to me. I looked at "it" i looked at her i looked at "it". Yes "it" is in these things----> " " because "it" was an empty test strip box.
Ok. So i am not blaming the worker i am not blaming us i am not blaming the day care i am not blaming the Health Nurse (YURIS TEAM). I am just glad as fuck that this is the way i was informed of how poorly everyone is not on the page they should be on.

Much better than what we all know what an alternative could have been.

I have been replaying this scenario all night in my head. Not too far off i know now.

EMMA - "teacher ... my legs feel shaky.."

DAYCARE WORKER - "aww..so cute ...go have a rest in this back room where no one will bother you or see you"

Give me a fucking break. I have an appointment for work at 9:45 tomorrow morning. Emma is only going to be there for another 3 weeks. I will be down there at 9:00 am (Emma is staying home with mom tomorrow). I will be in a meeting prior to my 9:45 to say the least. So her 3 weeks may turn into 4 more days. We will see.

Maybe i will give them to go check out http://www.eyesrubbed.blogspot.com/ .

It is a tuff one...

2007-12-11T21:50:00.000-06:00

Take a moment to view. Just wondering what you feel she had more fun at?

Hurting

2007-12-05T20:19:00.000-06:00

This kinda sucks, actually strike that, this DOES suck. I have seen many of these types of pictures. The ones i have seen have a really strong impact. But not until you do it yourself it really hits you hard. This is from no more than approximately 10 or so days. There are some that have this many in their sharps container in a few days.

Putting these into the new sharps container one by one. Thinking that every single one of those syringes has a story to it. They are not all the same. The hundreds of injections she has received already not one story lines up the same. Sure the doses may equal each other from day to day at times. They may feel the same when the point hits her skin. It may always be at 7:30 am she is dosed. Same NPH, Same Novo Rapid, same ratio.

But where is the non tangibles with this?

I will tell you.

They are in both Momma and Dadda's hearts. They are in Emma's maturity at such a young age. They are countless emotions prior to an injection that Emma goes through. They are in our sadness. They are in our relief. They are in other children we see. They are every single fucking morning wishing for a cure.

That is where they are. That is why our hearts ache.

The Week in Pictures

2007-11-24T10:00:00.000-06:00

Good week with our little girl. Terrible week with our uninvited guest.

Go Bombers Go!

Go Mommy Go!

Exploiting My Self X7

2007-11-20T20:42:00.000-06:00

1. I love to cook, eat, and drink ANYTHING. I am pretty sure there is not one thing on this planet that i cannot stomach. Once while fishing with spider monkeys of the coast of st cox's bazaar i ate stew where the main ingredient was spit.

2. I have never broke 80 on the golf course. The closest i have come to it was a 83 on my home course in Vancouver 10 years ago. I hurt my back soon after smoking too much peyote and trying to cliff dive into a lake of crusty hay.

3. I have hairy balls. I actually have a friend who's last name is Ballharry. Good thing he was an early bloomer or he could have been ridiculed to death.

4. I once had a meeting with a University Volleyball coach to see if i was interested in playing at the University level. But i got laid that summer so i lost interest in Volleyball for a while.

5. I stayed overnight at my friends house recently and switched all of the cereal bags into the wrong boxes, then i pooped in their cat litter.

6. I cut my toenails three times a year.

6.5 . This past two weeks i have had 20 or so double shot espresso from Starbucks. My stomach flipped and fluttered like the first time you see your new born child as i drove by a Starbucks today. I am addicted, and i will need help on this very soon. You can say a Doppio is my vice, my crutch, my Friend.

7. I have cried more in this past year than i ever have all together in my entire life. Even though it has been one of my best all around years.

Being tagged is like a comment on my blog glorified. Thanks Amylia and Viv!

What it is..

2007-11-14T08:32:00.000-06:00

it is November 14...

it is Frederick Banting's birthday
it is a very important day
it is a global health concern
it is time to be aware
it is World Diabetes day

...if there is any good time to "de-lurk" the time is now. So please everyone who is lurking within this blog it is time to show your face. That would show that some of my efforts on here are working.

ps.
Momma,
it will get easier

Even on the West Coast I Missed it

2007-11-10T11:34:00.001-06:00

Arg! I can not bellieve i missed D-Blog posting day. I got tottally caught up in all of your posts. Tried to comment on most of them that i read too. So i guess we can consider the commenting a post? Will that wash with yous guys?

Anyhow we are off in few minutes for the weekend so i do not have much time.

So i can leave you with some visuals until next time. I hope you enjoy!

Life is Beautiful

2007-11-06T22:14:00.000-06:00

I was sitting in the other room this morning going over my day. Thinking of where i am going what types of goals i should set for the calls I make. At this moment it was time for Emma's morning dose. Lately it has been a task giving her insulin and even just testing her has become more of a process with bribing, pausing, or even HOLD YOUR BREATH...turning DORA completely off...gasp! But we will never make idle threats and irrational commentary for her to cooperate.
Anyway i was sitting there now focuses on the two voices in the other room. It went kind of like this:

emma please this will only take one second...

momma..do you have diabetes?

no sweetie..

what did you eat for breakfast? why don't you need insulin?

i had cereal, my pancreas makes insulin, but you need yours through your arm, leg or bum

This is dialogue that occurs quite frequently in our home. Most of the time it is not prompted by us asking about her diabetes but her asking us about it. She will be 3 in December. So lets say she is 2 at the moment. So how does a 2 year old comprehend this? Yes she does comprehend it because of this short snippet of dialogue i over heard the other day just after i heard the "beep" on her freestyle:

oh Emms i need to give you 1 unit.

no momma i feel low (the reading was 17.7 btw)

emms you feel low? what happens when you feel low?

my tummy hurts and i eat snack

Diabetes is on our minds. It is the topic of most of our conversations. It fills my thoughts all day. It is not consuming me or us. It is a part of us. We know what happens when you don't think about it and let your guard down for one second. One second can change how a days numbers are, how irritable Emma can be, or how yucky she feels.
So our dukes are ALWAYS up. This is fine with me. I welcome it. Our skin is becoming callused just as Emma's fingers are. If you think you know your child. Try having a child with this disease.
You actually think you can see inside them. You are always looking at possible symptoms of a high or a low. But wishing for the symptom of a normal blood sugar.
This disease allows you to see how gorgeous your little souls are.
It allows us to realize how lucky we are to be able to give them insulin.
It allows us to know how beautiful life is.
It really is beautiful.

2007-11-04T09:33:00.000-06:00

The Tools of the Trade

2007-11-01T23:09:00.000-05:00

This is what seems to be working for us these days. The combination of myself and Denise pulling together trying to start Emma's day off on some good numbers.

First is the Log Book. It gives us a quick at glance look that encompasses the entire month. With a spot for notes and changes. I really like this tool. And we do not fumble around with the little log books that come with the monitor.

Second is the newest addition to our family. The Salter food scale. It has a data base of 900 foods and simply gives you the carbohydrates in that particular food. As well it is a good learning tool to gain a better guesstimation when scales and measuring devices are not available.

Thirdly i would like you to meet my best friend in the morning. I seem to stand in front of it constantly watching Emma eat and recalculating by wiping off numbers with my thumb and putting new ones as she eats or doesn't eat something. Like i said it all stems on her morning number. (It looks like you got a sneak peek into some names we are throwing around too).

And finally you may be familiar with our cupboard in the past. It hasn't really changed much. The only thing that has changed however is the amount of insulin Emma is umm..eerrr..consuming? And of course the Pre Natal vitamins. But here it is none the less.

We do all this diligently in the morning. Pull together and then send her off to day care. Where it can easily fall apart just from someone being careless or having a moment. Sure human error is always an issue. But it will be nice when Momma is off at the end of December to gain control and be able to manage Emma all day long. Oh yea and have supper ready for when i come home;)

I would not kid about this.

2007-10-30T21:30:00.001-05:00

"Oh i am sorry to hear that. Is she on bed rest?"
Just when you think you have heard them all.
This is why awareness is so important.
How the hell do you even respond to that?
At least if that person was handicapped or mentally challenged i could have lived with it. Just give them a t-shirt and send them to camp or something. But this person was actually in a high position at a financial institution. Not too SMRT huh?
OH MY GAD!

The Longest Flight

2007-10-23T23:15:00.000-05:00

It hurts the most when it wasn't supposed to hurt. I always get flanked by emotions when it isn't particularly the right time to be emotional. It still wrenches the hell out of me when on my way up to bed i have to grab the test kit. As i run up the stairs with that little black case in my hand my throat closes up momentarily and the last few steps seem to take forever. So much crosses my mind at that point. Too much to even process. When will it ever be processed? Will it ever be something I just do? Is it the fact that i know one day will never ever have to test her again?
I cannot believe that Emma is going to have to test her blood sugar every single day for the rest of her life. I comprehend it enough to be able to not believe it.
But it is so easy. Her freshly bathed warm body distinctively relaxed and enjoying her dreams of Dora and Boots. Not a sound in her room. Not a movement other than myself pushing the test strip in the monitor and looking for the best access to her clean pruney finger.
At this point i am exploiting the fact that that this can be done fast with no negotiations.
I can't. Yet. I have to look at her before another procedure reminds me of what is or is not inside of her.
Taking the plunge and stealthily grabbing her tucked hand in one quick motion hoping she will not open her eyes to see me. but in her own way.... she then settles me. She lets me know everything is OK. She does so by volunteering her outreached hand and pointing her finger for me. Almost asking for her test.
She is such a doll. I was supposed to be the one who makes everything OK. As stubborn as she is she cannot let me. I love that little soul.
Something so routine and essential is becoming my most difficult and trying moment.

Give me something else to remember

2007-10-19T00:15:00.000-05:00

I remeber weeks before Emma was DX'd i would cuddle her and smell her breath and thought it smelled so awesome. So sweet and delicious.

I remember getting all geared up to go the park and play for a good hour then walk home with her in my arms and her heavy head on my shoulder. So cuddly and comfy.

I remember seeing her drink her chocolate milk like it was the only drink left on earth and thinking how cute and adorable it was that when finished she couldnt even catch her breath enough to ask for more but just hold up her glass and i would refill it.

I rembember 22 month old Emma being totally potty trained and thinking it was great she ALWAYS was sitting on the potty. So smart.

I wish i did not have to remember these things.

Ignorance Is Not Bliss

2007-10-14T21:01:00.000-05:00

The week prior to Emma's diagnoses we saw many symptoms that would lead us to believe that she may have this disease. But that was after we know about these symptoms. If we had recently have read something relating to these symptoms, or talked to someone who was advocating awareness of this disease we could have caught it not by fluke (like we did). Thank god we did catch it by fluke but take that part of the equation out and we could have been dealing with fatal ignorance.
Recently i have noticed people on this blog who do not have diabetes, or have children that do not have this disease either. THIS IS GREAT! If this tool (the tool isn't me...it is a BLOG ;)) can reach someone going through some symptoms, be it themselves or their children, and making them aware enough to see that red flag to make the trip to the hospital, i am happy. I will believe i do make a difference.
So those of you new to my blog please read the past posts regarding lows, and the symptoms some of the Type 1 diabetics go through daily. Copy and paste what you need on a word document, print it out, and seriously keep an eye on you and your family.
So here is a list of not necessarily highs or lows, but symptoms of diabetes:

Unusual thirst
Frequent urination
Weight change (loss)
Extreme fatigue or lack of energy
Blurred vision
Frequent or recurring infections
Cuts and bruises that are slow to heal
Crankiness
Irritability

These symptoms seem harmless at first, but can in the end be fatal.
I really want to make people aware more than ever these days. It is not a dirty disease, where you have to test your blood sugar in the bathroom, or hide the fact that your counting every carb every day. Those of you, and parents who have children with diabetes can make a change. This is serious. It is real. We have to pull together and make everyone aware of this unpredictable, ignorant, life changing disease.

***EDIT****
Here is what also needs to be added to this post thanks to Maria and Bernard:
Maria i knew in Elementary school. How odd is that we meet up decades later as i was walking out of Emma's second ever Endo appointment. Odd may not be the word. But i wish we had never met again regarding these circumstances.
Bernard...well is Bernard. A perennial favourite of mine on here. He always has awesome things to say and relates what needs to be in technical form too. Good job my friend!

Maria said...
I'm so glad you posted the symptoms. My son had these symptoms for awhile. How long, I'm not really sure. In the back of mind I always thought "omg, what if it's diabetes". Then I thought "nah, not my son". If I may add a tidbit. If someone reads this and sees the symptoms for God's sake PLEASE don't be scared of seeing the doctor. It's such an easy little test. I thought if I denied it long enough they would go away. Am I a bad mother? I don't know.
Monday, October 15, 2007 9:01:00 AM
Bernard said...
Can I also add two others to your list.1. Leg cramps especially at night.2. Fruity smelling breath. This is ketones.It's really good to get the message out about the symptoms in general. Type 1 is a dangerous disease and you want to start treating it as soon as possible.

2007-10-14T00:29:00.000-05:00

What is it like when your child has low blood sugar? How do they feel, what do they do? What do they say? How do they say it feels?

2007-10-14T00:28:00.000-05:00

What does it feel like to have a low blood sugar? Please do your best to describe in words.

Show You Care

2007-10-12T16:19:00.000-05:00

We often get emails from our local JDRF chapter on upcoming fundraising events and programs. I read every detail. Think through my head quickly of who would be able to come and participate. I think of who it would be cool to hang out with for that evening, get babysitters, and go have some fun while supporting our cause.
But then **POOF**! Gone. All but a mere lucid memory. A situation that never develops. Never even gets to the first phone call.
This may sound weird but asking for people to support the JDRF has become an awkward stance for myself. I don't know if the problem lies in who i rely on support for. Or the problem is en stowed within me asking my peeps for money. When in fact i probably owe many of them a dime here or there. I just cant shake it baby!
So this has to stop. It will stop. I am not asking for cash so i can go out for sushi, or purchase a playboy. (HUH?) I haven't purchased a playboy since i have turned legal age to do so. Now that's just weird. Denise has purchased a few for me in the past. But that is irrelevant. And WAAY off topic. (for now).
This weekend is Rocking for the Cure. It is being put on by a Father and Mother of Kaylee who is 9 and has had type 1 for 3 years now.
Not only have i called a few of my peeps (if i say peeps it makes me sound REALLY cool and hip). I am in the process of getting a football signed by none other than our Grey Cup bound Winnipeg Blue Bombers! Totally smack! (am i cool on this Friday or what?)
This is just the beginning. I swear on it.
I have a few ideas that are manifesting themselves, and have been for quite some time.
I want to make a difference. The difference starts now!
Have an awesome weekend everyone. Sorry i have to start moderating comments now for a while but, I'm cool with that.
By the way, there are a many blogs that i have read on here that their numbers in terms of fundraising have absolutely astounded me.
Way to go all.
Way to do your part.
Way to show you care.

2007-10-10T21:27:00.001-05:00

A BIT ABOUT EMMA

Irking Level Set To High

2007-10-10T20:45:00.000-05:00

Whenever i write on here i first look around for inspiration. So really at the end of the day i do not have to look too far. There are so many great people on this OC that keep us all in check most of the times.
I claim to be an expert about Diabetes, but if you tell yourself something over and over you begin to believe it yourself even if it is the farthest thing from the truth.
I read all of you talk about the types of insulin you and your children are on. I read about the research you have all been in tune with over the past while. Some more than others.
This translates to everyday for me. As when i do meet someone with Type 1 i am absolutely captivated by the fact. I tend to open up and try to sink every thing that they do and say in.
This i think is where you get your "feel" from. Sure calculating carb:insulin ratios is and has to be precise but you must develop a feel. Develop is the main word here. I know this will not happen over night, nor do i want it to. But it will happen and i hope Emma gets this feel with her feet moving 100 miles an hour.
This is developing.

That Was a Tight Roll..now pass it around...

2007-10-09T07:39:00.000-05:00

A high here, a high there, here a high there a high everywhere a high high.
Lil miss Emma had a high ei-ei-o.
And with that high she had a pee e-i-e-ooo.
With a crank crank here and a crank crank there...
..you get the idea.
Momma was totally freaked out on Sunday that her ol' reliable test kit read "HI". I didn't receive honors in school nor did i do well with numbers. But one of the things i did learn is differentiate between letters and numbers (most of the time). So WTF will a "HI" reading tell you? Especially when you think in numbers then translate it yourself to either high or low.
So that was hard to do it the other way around.
It was totally awesome being at a Wedding and stepping out to call a doctor on call (well momma did anyhow, i just stayed inside and drank a lot more gin).
So with saying this it is obvious that we are entering one of those "next" phases.
Not as scary as i depicted in previous posts. But confusing none the less.
Emma is starting to verbalize how she is feeling in her stomach to us which is in terms of your daughter having a disease TREMENDOUS!
We have pulled out the PEN. Hopefully she will embrace it, or at the very least not quiver when she sees it.

Is It So

2007-10-02T21:32:00.000-05:00

Last week our Endo was really impressed on how we were sitting over the past year and actually took time to reflect with us. There was in intern with her too so i thought that was a great thing to do with her there.
Doctor Sellers asked us what has been the biggest change in the past year? It is by far the fear factor.
One year ago both Denise and myself were absolutely petrified. There was nothing more frightening than thinking that we have to draw medication from a vile, measuring it properly and injecting it into our daughter.
Fear.
The fact that if the dose is wrong or inaccurate that will make Emma sick and compromised.
Fear.
Emma will be alone walking to school one day. She should be getting slurpees with her friends after school. She will eventually be out of our line of site. This may cause this disease to find vulnerability in our little girl and hurt her.
Fear.
Emma is going to be teased. She will be looked at differently from many people including family, friends, co-workers. Emma will cry because of this. She will have to worry about this instead of worrying about if her shoes are "in" or her braces may look weird.
It is very fearful.

One Year Ago Today

2007-09-29T10:47:00.000-05:00

I woke up early as usual. Quietly raced to the shower, creeping between the squeaky hardwood floors guessing where the non squeakage boards are. This was important that I let Momma and Emma sleep. They have had a terrible last couple of days. Emma's days consisted of crying a lot, drinking more, and peeing even more. Mommas last days were spent missing work and going to a walk in clinic hoping to get medication for Emma's' bladder infection. (That would have been really awesome if she did have that infection!)
Then they were informed without any reason to go to her Pediatrician, Hospital, back to the Pediatrician, then essentially back to the Children's Hospital where she met our next head on at 100 miles an hour.
All this time we were talking on the phone between trips while i was at work. Momma was crying, stressed, and confused. I was the Man. Right? Being "The Man" holds responsibility. It holds an expectation. It holds the right to say nothing is wrong and to walk it off.
Well..."The Man" got his ass kicked hard that day.
The man realizes there is something more powerful than anything he could imagine. It is:
Emma, Mom, Dad facing a Diabetes Specialist informing us that Emma has Type 1 Diabetes. And is here to stay even if we do not welcome it day to day.
Upon falling into this dark deep hole. You start to rationalize if this person knows what they are talking about. Your doubt is only temporary. Your doubt turns into complete sadness. Your sadness turns into utter confusion. All the while seeing your wife quiver with her head down and knowing she is not just being a girl, but being a human being who is getting the gravity of the situation but not understanding it.
Where is the light? Where is the hand that is going to grab you and take you to safety? Please show us. But instead the Doctor went directly into telling us about insulin, blood sugars, testing, highs, lows. THIS IS REAL.
Is my child's life in danger? Can she die? What the fuck is diabetes?
I will never ever forget this day. Nor do i want to. Everyone must know. Everyone must see Emma go through this She is the bravest person i know.
She is and always will be my Hero.
I love you Emma. We will keep you safe.

A Dynamic Little Girl

2007-08-06T20:34:00.000-05:00

A Mid-Summer NIght Classic

2007-08-04T11:09:00.000-05:00

I remember my first drive in. Begging my parents to take me to KING KONG. And finally getting the go ahead and grabbing our pillows. Dressing in our jammies. Air so thick of anticipation of not knowing what to anticipate.
Cars gradually filling up the weedy gravel lot. Noticing the site looks about 100 years old (that was back in '77), but it didn't matter to the masses to would pull up to the best spot they can find. Then that was your spot. Your spot WAS the best spot.
Very very memorable.
I hope last night is going to be just as memorable and largely imprinted in Emma's mind as much as it was mine. I sure will remember our time last night forever.

The site (Not like the "site" pumpers refer to):

The "THREE" of them in the back (yes you can read between the lines on that one, and I'm not including the care bears in that statement):

Me, yes genuinely happy because of the the the fact the Simpson's movie is starting once that darn sun goes down (Emma happy because shewas just dosed down from 23 (414) and feeling much better:

SHOWTIME!!:

Oh yes....it was Emma's first full week/full days at her "Big Girl Daycare".

It has been quite the adjustment. Not only because of her her new days but because of her new days of her pancreas not producing any insulin at all. So as we are thrusted into another phase of her management we are presented with a tonne of variables that we have just been reading, and hearing about since last September. So much to say and report on. So other than missing my cutoff for my sports picks i am looking forward to mustering up a post about this soon.

Thanks for listening/reading.

Take care!!

Gluten Free Supper

2007-07-30T15:54:00.000-05:00

Even though our supper was gluten free, it was full of laughs, good company, great conversation, and 3 adoroable little girls.

Thanks for a great evening Jamie and next time i will plan on stocking a few more beers in my fridge instead of bolting out the front door to do an undercover beer run.

Birthday lows can be treated with chicken.

2007-07-22T14:52:00.000-05:00

I highly suggest grabbing a can of beer. Drinking half of it. Rubbing oil on a 4 pound chicken. Rubbing your spice rub all over it. Cranking the chickens orifice over the can of beer and cooking it on indirect heat for 1 hour. Then i suggest eating it.

Absolutely the best way to cook a chicken in the summer.

Birthday today. I am 21 (sort of, kind of). And for my birthday i gave. I gave treatment to our first night time low. Emma's BG's have been increasing as you all know. But now they are digging their sharp little teeth in letting us know that they will be around from now on.

However one good thing came out of this low. Emma must think we are the best parents in the world! Like as if her other friends parents would wake her up at 12am to MAKE her eat smarties. It was hard not to laugh about this for me as it was happening. It was either laughing at it and not letting it get to me or balling my eyes out like my first instinct would want. So i chose to laugh ABOUT it not at it.

I know we will have more of these. It is the nature of the beast sort of speak. But until then diabetes can eat me. Sans the beer can shoved up my ass.

However the way i golfed today it sure felt like i had two of them stuck up there.

These are my brotha's from UPS. (well 1 Brotha and two Brothers). If there are a few good things i could draw from my time there would definitely be the friendships i developed with the people there. They are great people, great family guys, hard workers and most of all great friends.

So that's it for now i am going to go stand under a cold shower as it was 37 Celsius on the course today and needless to say i have Shweddy Balls. Then off to the Keg (my fave) for supper with the girls.

**** EDIT******

OK..back from the Keg now. I was attacked, but i think i got the better of him in the end.

Thanks Luke

2007-07-15T21:56:00.000-05:00

So the tournament is over. We didn't win. But did place in the top 6! Awesome!
Luke headed home quickly after his round. To be home for a few weeks before the tour starts up again in Montreal.
I felt he could have won this tournament today. He had his head in it, his swing was good, and his putting was on fire. However not enough today. But he will win. This is his rookie season and has a lot of golf ahead of him.
As for my caddying career, it will be put on hold until next July. But until then i will be hitting the squat rack and doing many calf raises in preparation for a solid performance for the 2008 Free Press Open.
Good times Luke. Thanks for the week.

Canadian Tour

2007-07-14T22:30:00.000-05:00

So if you have been visiting my site this past couple of weeks you may have noticed a new link on my blog roll (the blogs i read); Luke Swilor. Shortly after starting my blog a year and a half ago i luckily ran across his blog. I was fascinated being a golf nut of sorts and reading his blogs about his road to making the PGA tour.

So this past spring he won a full exemption to the Canadian Tour. I was smitten that he made it. I congratulated him and was excited to read about the coming season. So then it dawned on me that the tour comes through Winnipeg every July for the Winnipeg Free Press Classic. It is one of the more prestigious tournaments on the tour and a good one to win as they go on a break for 4 weeks after.

So i emailed him a couple of weeks ago and offered him to accommodations at our house and for me to caddy for him. He declined on the staying here, very understandingly, but took me up on my volunteering my time to caddy for him for the four days.

If you read his blog the last three posts will describe his time here and his golf game. As for me this was one of the most amazing experiences i have encountered so far. Being inside the ropes at a professional golf tournament...how better does that get. I will tell you. Carrying one of the top ten players of the weeks bag. Over the weekend the galleries got a little larger and expected to be larger tomorrow as it is the final day.

One thing for sure is the caddies on TV make that job look a hell of a lot easier than it really is. However i think i had the easier task out of the two of us. Luke has a great head on his shoulders and works hard at his game. I know because of that, tomorrow will be good to him. I feel this is his day. He has some ground to make up but will finish strong.

Wish us luck and follow him if you can. Follow us here, and choose live leader board. I am sure to post his result soon after.

It's a Date

2007-07-10T21:39:00.001-05:00

Emma had her fist dinner date last night.
His name is Pason. He lives next door.
He could be one of the most adorable little guys.
Adorable enough to belong on this DOC.
So here they are:

He is a strong little dude.
Emma is sure safe when he is around.

Time for a test and a little supper.
Do all boys like ketchup on their carrots?

Let's go upstairs and apply some cream onto each other.
Lucky boy, one day you will appreciate this picture.

...but not this one.

No less they did have a great time. So did we. It was a pleasure having Emma's first stay over with such great manners and compassion towards her. He is a great little dude.

I contemplated on talking about her soaring numbers throughout the day. I contemplated on walking around here looking for someone to lean on. But instead i found that someone to lean on within her. She has always been and continues to be my hero. She took her test as you see without hesitating or flinching. She knows she has to eat her carbs. Even mentioning it to Pason that she is eating her carbs.

Good for you Emma. Your my baby girl. I love you.

Second Honeymoon

2007-07-08T10:36:00.000-05:00

We had to correct for the past few nights. This is new to us. But what we are learning is Emma's symptoms when she is high. We are talking about 23 (414) lastnight at around 1am. And the other two nights previous.
So on the fourth day is when we will change the dose of NPH in the morning.
Her daytime numbers have been spot on with the dosage of rapid.
Hey honeymoon..it was nice knowing you. I hope you go and find someone elses family and help make the introduction to this disease how you made it for us. Thanks. Pfft.
I feel we are in for some good times.

2007-07-04T17:52:00.000-05:00

I hate when the JDRF staff rigs the walk with trip wire and boobie traps.

Honey in My Tummy

2007-06-25T18:52:00.000-05:00

The Red River Exibition comes to town every June for a week since the past 30 or so years. It is a sign that Summer is here.
So carrying on the tradition. The tradition of the masses gathering together with the rickety old rides, scuzzy old workers, overpriced corn dogs, the sweet smell of welfare cheques being spent in a single evening before midnight.
Just writing it makes me feel like I'm in the middle of a Trailer Park Boys episode.
However, were here none the less.
Emma would love it if Daddy took her on the bumble bee ride. With absolute pleasure i grabbed her and ran into line before she changed her mind and wanted Mom to take her on her 15th ride in a row. I needed a thrill other than standing behind a stroller all night watching Mom and Emma have all the fun.
NEAT. If you strap y yourself in. Your offspring to the left of you. Yourself trying to be the coolest Dad there with your anecdotes such as "oh Emma this is going to be the best ride all night", or "hold on tight because were going to go way up high". Even NEATER the operator illustrates how you make the bumble bee fly up in the air by pulling the bar into you as far as it can go, but if you get too scared just let go of the bar and the bee will fly to safety down to the ground.
Ride starts.
I give Emma a moment to get adjusted.
She commands "Lets go high dadda"
"You ready Babes?...lets go...."
The anticipation must have really worn Emma out because when i couldn't pull the Freaking bar far enough into my stomach to get that gay little bee to go 2 meters in the air, she started to question me.
"Why we not go hi...dadda??
"My Tummy is too fat" as i hung my head in absolute shame. But didn't give up. The little train that could..was me for the next 4 minutes of the ride. Pulling that steel tubular object as far as i could into my stomach passing my then functioning pancreas, bulging out my intestines. UP UP UP...yes little buzz guy was flying high.
Emma was happy.
I was hurting.
Momma was bent over laughing her ass off. I think that was her down there but i couldn't see much past my burst blood vessels in my eyes.
So of course after the ride Emma needs to replay what just happened to mom. Humouring half of the line up waiting to go on next.
Good times.

Topper!! This morning eating french toast: "dada...your tummy stiw fat?"

A Diabetic Bed Built in 3 hours.

2007-06-20T19:47:00.000-05:00

Winner...?

2007-06-15T15:47:00.000-05:00

Well i guess i have to announce the winner. Or quasi-winner if i may.
Shannon was pretty close. Her answer was MICKEY, but in fact that was MINNIE being hugged in those pictures. A technicality? Yes.
So yes a package will be arriving at your door Shannon if you would email me your mailing address i will get your prize out to you as soon as i can.
Thanks for playing everyone.
Have a great weekend, Happy Fathers Day.

Contest Time!

2007-06-12T21:27:00.000-05:00

I am stealing this idea from Scott. A while ago he had a pile of test strips that he took a picture of. The person who guessed the closest or correct amount of them in the pile won a prize. I thought this was a great thing. One it diverted us away from the worries and challenges that we all go through day to day with this disease.

But in the same breath it was related and kept us grounded to it. So i have been crunching some ideas around in my head regarding what the quiz should be.

So here it is:

Who is Emma's best friend when we go to Clinic?

We go to our Clinic appointment tomorrow and the contest closes soon after.

Good luck. The winner must be willing to give me their mailing address so they can receive their accolade!!!

Pictures say $160,000

2007-06-11T22:51:00.000-05:00

Thank You Team Emma

My Hope

2007-06-08T15:37:00.000-05:00

Well here we go. Two days away from our first of many JDRF walks.
What are we in for?
How will we feel?
Is this even worth it?
Should we have raised more money?
Done more volunteering?
So many questions.
I have been looking forward to in the past months was this walk. Both of us have for that matter. I know everyone else involved does not know what they are in for.
We are uniting. We are walking for our little girl. She needs us. Everyone there will be there because they want to. They need their face there to show everyone else that they care. It is necessary.
Surrounded by so many little ones with diabetes will have an impact on those who are walking with us on Sunday. Even i know they have been impacted already but i am sure they are in for something new.
I really hope it is evident that day.
My hope is they know how important of a day this is for us. My hope for them is that they feel some emotion relative to the day we were told about this altering disease.
Emma Denise and myself need the 40 other walkers on Team Emma to see the other 2 year olds, the other 10 year olds, and the other teenagers that this is a serious fuck of a disease.
Realizing that taking your 2 year old to the zoo and breaking for a snack because they may be hungry is not why you stop for a snack. You stop. You think. You look around at all the juice boxes given to the kids so the "guardian" can sit and have a break. Knowing they will be occupied for the next 3 minutes still, not thirsty, sucking this 30 gram of carb box of sugar back. While they squeeze the box upon sucking every last drop out of it, chucking into the garbage and carrying on to go see the monkeys. While looking at the monkeys you look at your little monkey with your newly adopted xray vision. Looking her as a number. Where is it going? Did she have too much. Or not enough. What is she now. Where is she.
So be it ... So be it if i have to quickly drink half of the drinking box so my daughter only consumes 15 grams of it. So be it if i have to monitor her actions, color, and mood after a juice box. So be it.
As much as this is so. It still hurts. She is Emma. She is safe.

Wonder Auntie

2007-06-01T13:15:00.000-05:00

Emma's Auntie Linda has fallen ill this past week. This is her daycare provider. I feel by designating her with that title really minimizes of who she is and what she really does.

She is how come Emma is how she is today. A brilliant, vibrant, alert, polite , caring, inquisitive TWO YEAR OLD. Sure i give us credit over here. But it is Auntie Linda who harbours all of what Emma is taught day in - day out. We are probably the luckiest parents in Winnipeg right now.

When Emma was dx'd with TYPE 1 this past year. Auntie embraced the entire learning something new. She didn't even flinch. She just wanted to know what she needed to know, but she did not only know it after. She learned it like it was her daughter that was just diagnosed.

A few months later Auntie herself was dx'd with type 2. She told us that Emma and herself will work together on this to keep each other balanced. Both myself and Denise have tried to inform her of what she should be doing to manage her diabetes, but we couldn't tell her anything new that she didn't already know.

It is cute and heartbreaking at the same time when we talk about Aunties diabetes in front of Emma because her little (loud) voice pipes up with a huge grin she touches her chest and proclaims "Atie has Dibeeetees an so dus Emaa"!!!!

She is sure in good company. We are consciously trying to surround her with kids with type 1 for obvious reasons and we love when she is around kids who do not have it and runs faster than them, counts higher, and recites her ABC's.

She is an amazing little girl this is for sure. Thank you Auntie. I hope you feel better real soon. We need you.

Diabetes Shmiabetes

2007-05-22T22:19:00.000-05:00

The Wedding

2007-05-20T20:57:00.000-05:00

The wedding was easily one of the best weddings i have ever been involved in. Everything went smooth. Everyone there were such nice people. And oh yes i do have to add Generous as well.

Holy.!!!

So instead of singing, clinking of the glasses, trivia..etc... a donation was made to make the newlyweds kiss during the reception dinner. Needless to say i don't thing they have done that much kissing since he was courting her 10 years ago.

In turn Emma and her JDRF campaign benefited like i couldn't even fathom. It did help that she was running around being cute (herself) melting the hearts of all of the aunts, uncle and cousins.

So that evening The couple raised 250 big ones for Emma. When the Emcee announced at the beginning of the evening the procedure of how to make them kiss, i couldn't help but let a couple of tears trickle down my cheek. I looked over at Denise down from the head table she had one or two flowing down as well. I looked over to the Bride and Groom and just couldn't compose myself any longer. I just couldn't believe what was happening.

20's, 10's, loonies, toonies flyng in from all directions. The speeches were done i was hanging out with the Groom at the podium for a few minutes and people were lined up to give support and donate. I tried to thank all of them but there were many anonymous detonators too.

Today at the day after lunch. I was slow and groggy as i did drink a few whiskies just a few hours before. I went to get some coffee, came back to the table. Sitting there was a Styrofoam cup with some bills and change in it.

I had learned that the cousins ranging in age from 3-10 took Emma and the cup around the room and raised another $100. Very overwhelming.

People are amazing creatures. I am thrilled and honored to be in the company of such class.

Kissy Kissy$

2007-05-18T00:05:00.000-05:00

This morning before i ran out of the house i decided to pour myself one last cup of Coffee because i knew i would need it today.

As i was pouring my cell rang. It was Leif. I am his best man at his wedding this weekend. Leif is a great friend, that is a no brainer. But this morning he did something extraordinary.

He mentioned instead of clinking glasses, telling a joke, singing a song, for the couple to kiss Saturday that they will be having a donation area for Emma with proceeds going towards the JDRF. You may want to read that over a few times.

I was blown away. I had to sit. I had tears once again swelling up. And this was before i did anything this morning. What an awesome day. What an awesome friend. I am defiantly privileged to be surrounded by people like him and his wife.

This sort of thing has rung through from him for as long as i have known him. Thank you Leif. I am honored to have you on my side.

DeeTour...sort of

2007-05-16T21:10:00.000-05:00

I can hardly wait until summer is in full swing so i can go to the beach and show off my ab. It is sexy. I will even pour oil on it so everyone can benefit from its presence.

Isnt it funny how we use any circumstance to rationalise not doing something or doing something the way we do it. I know how much better i manage my life when i look after myself. That is a no brainer my friends.

The day of Emma's dx (September 29, 2006) about 2 hours before i got "THE CALL" (play du du du daaaa.....music here) i went to the gym at noon as i always did for years. Got changed ran up the stairs into the free weight area. Strutted (yes i strutted back then, Denise likes when i strut my stuff, usually putting my genitalia between my legs making as if i am a lady for the time being) to the flat bench threw on one plate a side (plate =45 lbs), ripped out 15 easy warm up reps. Banged the bar down on the brackets. Sprung up switched my MP3 player to megadeath - symphony of destruction (YOU TAKE A MORTAL MAN...AND YOU PUT HIM IN CONTROL...) threw on two one more plate a side (45 * 4 + 45 (bar) = 225 pounds layed down deep breath pumping out 8 clean reps.

Now where the hell did that go? Oh yea Emma has diabetes so that is the reason i cannot bench 225 anymore. I have to come home and make sure she is alive. AS IF!!!! What a dufus.

Don't you think if i was training through this whole ordeal i would be more set up to learn more and more patient with how i deal with it? Man did i ever take the easy way out.

There its in writing.

I will cure myself of this tail between my legs thinking. And i bet you dollars to doughnuts my sales increase too when i recover from "rationalitis". I am accepting pledges, and other forms of donations in quest to get my 225 chest and my 120 arm curls back. HMPH. me man ...me roar.

I was inspired by two ladies carving their names in a tree. You need inspiration from somewhere. And gosh darn it i found it. My handy old bellybutton lint catcher will be a thing of the past.

Brave New World

2007-05-06T21:33:00.000-05:00

Tonight:

Emma - "i am brave...right Daddy?"

Me - (holding back tears) "Yes Emma you are the Bravest girl I know".

Rewind about 8 months ago. After giving her one of her first needles on our own with out her crying. I mentioned to her that she was a very good girl. Mom had heard this and we discussed it if that was the right thing to say.

If we think about it we are not praising her for taking the needle with out crying or squirming. What is going to happen when she does squirm or cry and we don't tell her she is a good girl.

Being brave is what we have to do as her parents. She is the one showing us how to be brave. We are blessed to have such a brave girl.

This past Tuesday:

Emma - (stabbing her last piece of french toast) "Momma i have to eat all my carbs....these are carbs right Momma?"

Mom - "Yes Emma my little girl you need to eat your carbs because you need your energy for play group today"

I saw her say this with her shoulders back and head up high. Proud of her brave little girl.

This is hard. It is getting harder. Are we ready? Do we have a choice but to be ready? This is it. This is what i have been talking about the past 8 months. The inevidable. We thought it would never come. But knew it was just around the corner.

We were hoping for a little more time with our Miss Emma before this fuck of a disease overtakes her fully. Why couldn't it wait longer. Is this the school of hardnocks? She shouldnt know what a carb is. Why does she confirm at 2 years old that she is brave.

She is going to be in school before we know it. Walking to class with her friends. Getting braces. Her drivers liscence. Her first date. Graduating. Fuck it i can t write anymore. This sucks. Sorry.
Bye

Out of Towner

2007-05-04T20:12:00.000-05:00

OMFG Jamie!!!!
I was in Gladstone this afternoon. (about an hour or so northish of Brandon). I was having a late lunch around 3:00 at a bakery in this small town where i did stick out like a sore thumb at best.
I started reading Jamie's post on my Blackberry. The first thing i saw was the pic of Brooke. How adorable is that.
Then i started to read. Deeper into the post my grin was becoming the largest smile that side of Manitoba has seen in a long time.
Then came the redo rick (sp). Then came the chuckles. Then you know when your not in an appropriate spot to laugh out loud especially when your alone in a bakery 3 hours away from home eating bland celery soup sitting with the Hutterites?...yea that kind of scenario.
Then came the comments between Shannon, you, you then Shannon..oh my.

I just fell short of celery exploding through my nose. But i regained my composure. Finished lunch. And reflected on how lucky i was not to expend celery through any of my orifices....SO I THOUGHT!!!

Forty five minutes later in the middle of no-where my stomach decides it doesn't like celery in its soup form. Please..not now. I just want to get home safely. ook ok ..i get it at least let me find a fucking Esso or Husky. I don't even care if i have to ask for the key holding my ass....just get me to that porcelain pony that i want to take for a wild yet relieving ride.

VICTORY! I made it. To what WAS a clean bathroom. I don't care. Its all good. Like you don't know how good it is. Maybe you do.

Well any how with saying that i totally enjoyed and embraced My brief moment with a fellow OC'r and catch up on how our little Joys are doing.

This was actually started to be a comment on Jaimie's blog about my balls but it was looking more like a post so i cut and pasted this in here. Two birds down.

I hope to hear from all of you soon possibly on this comment section or on a new post of yours. Let me know how all of you are doing and your children too. As Denise talked to the Doctor today and started a new attack on Emma's ratio, intake, and management of it all. Feels like a new UN-charted phase we are entering.

Talk to you all soon.

Excuse me while i take a dump

2007-04-22T09:40:00.000-05:00

Try blowing this out of proportion if you can.

Finally the sun and heat has encroached into our beautiful city. Allowing us to dust off the bikes, balls, and bar-b-q's. Ahhh summer...screeech...not so fast cowboy mother natures muffles. We all have to remember the violent snow storm that hit us 2 years ago this coming may 14th. But let us not all live in that fear.

So onward we go. Onward to our first bike ride of the year. Emma gets fastened into her seat that sits in the crotch of Mom's sport check special bike. And i pull out my Diamondback Copperhead equipped with NEX suspension forks,hayes solo disc brakes, and ncs performance crankshaft. Oh lord this is a sweet ride.

Oh i forgot to mention one slightly under inflated front tire. Damn those get you all the time.

So on the first leg of our journey Emma and Mom are ahead of me enjoying what you should on a bike ride with the family. But i am a little behind just doing a once over on my kick ass ride. Bouncing the front shocks-check, front break pressure-check, rear brake pressure-check. All is good!

Mom and Emma are still ahead of me turning left on a path with a lady pushing her child in a stroller. The lady stops, lets the girls by, and i follow as they are turning left i start my turn and being the diplomat i am i offer my thanks and excuse us as we pass. It went like this:

Me "hi, excuse u . s." ........oooaahhh hpmph scrape crash skid. Front tire going its own way and me going hard to the ground.

Lady "are you OK?" Emma starts crying, momma starts laughing and i look up at the lady with my sunglasses only covering one eye and the other part on my forehead, leg under the bike, and say:
"I am OK .....but my Pride is a little hurt" (i have always wanted to use that line)
But why would at that moment I get up as if nothing happened and continue my ride inconspicuously?
Maybe she would forget what happened.
Maybe i was just thinking all of this.
Maybe the blood running down my hand and my daughter Crying is a figment to me.

Ok that was slightly embarrassing.
But within moments we both had tears on our eyes we were laughing so damn hard.

Happy gay times.

Walk the Talk

2007-04-08T08:45:00.000-05:00

I have mentioned before that i have been to two JDRF walks in the past. And you know that was about the extent of it. I was there. I didn't know much about the day, the people, or the disease. But now i know why I am there. My life and interests seems to have taken on a entire new purpose. I am now an advocate for Juvenile Diabetes.

Before last months seminar on the teen brain (mentioned in earlier post). Both me and Denise would be unsure on how to approach Emma's diabetes to family, friends, co-workers and acquaintances. But after being involved with this the past 6 or so months we have realized that it is safe and necessary to educate people about this. I do not hesitate anymore when discussions about family comes up or health related conversations arise. I know i need to interject and advocate for my daughter, family and friends who have all been affected by Diabetes.

Last week we were blessed with Emma's blood sugars being sureal'ly weird. Weird in terms of too perfect. Every morning i tested her at 7:30 her fasting sugar was 5.6. Yes!....Monday to Friday 5.6! It is amazing what can happen when everyone pulls together. Mom, Auntie Linda (daycare), and myself. I feel those numbers are out there for the taking. And at this point there is no reason why we cannot obtain those type of numbers on a day to day basis.

This may be a type of self affirmation. But i am writing this today on here because i believe those who read this will notice the type of work it takes raising a child with TYPE 1. And i know you all do know and go through it day to day in one capacity or another.

Please understand the impact that this online community has had on our attitude and outlook on this disease. It is not only the day to day that affects us on here it is what does Emma have in store for her down the road. Who will be her support. How will she manage her life.

It is essential that we surround ourselves with people who understand, and with people who want to understand.

Yesterday at the JDRF walk kick off we were surrounded by amazing people who care. They do not only care about their situation but want to be there for everyone else. It is nice to be a part of the masses who channel their energy the same way we do.

The problem with not posting in a long time is that there is so much to say i end up not really saying anything. I want to still be a part of this community and your lives so i owe it to you this to post more often. I like reading your stories, your daily struggles and most importantly your daily triumphs.

2007-03-27T21:52:00.000-05:00

REST WELL JOE. WE WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU.(scroll to "joe joe")

Bragging Rights

2007-03-19T21:18:00.000-05:00

Just dropping in to say everything is going really well over here. In terms of Emma's diabetes and controlling it to both of our new jobs and Momma's recovery. Very busy though. I just don't feel the need to be posting on Emma's perfect BS's, or that this new job is the best thing that has happened to me in a very long time. But i just did... i guess i am proud.

Emma's thought process has been really developing so rapidly and sharply. Making her say and do the most of darnedest of things. She is a truly special little human being.

Every time i lift her up i am thankful that i have her to lift. I didn't want just anyone to be my first born. I wanted Emma to be. I cannot think of a greater gift. This is why i have bragging rights.

See you all soon.

Our First Seminar

2007-03-11T21:05:00.000-05:00

Our Diabetes Education Resource Center here in Winnipeg held a all day seminar about the teen brain and diabetes. Emma is sure a long way off from becoming a teen. However we thought this was a great opportunity to more or less prepare ourselves and get educated on the resources offered here in Manitoba. (and may even find a babysitter with type 1).

In the afternoon the research crew were able to present what has been going on in those terms in the past while. We learned about Pumping and their goals for pumps. Regarding closed loop systems. We learned that researchers are more openly thinking outside the box, to alleviate some "staleness" in some past research findings for finding a cure that seem to be redundant after a while. (this was my take on it).

But! With saying that we came out of there with a replenished sense of optimism and hope in regards to the research and awareness that has transcended over the past while.

The highlight of our day was by far meeting our Nations Youth Ambassador for The Unite For Diabetes Campaign for the Resolution on Diabetes. I hope did not butcher that description too much. I had the pleasure of shaking his hand during lunch and was honored that he got to meet Emma as well. Honestly at that time i had no idea on who i was meeting and what sort of impact he has had on thousands of Diabetics and of his mission.

How cool is that?!!!! Twenty five hand picked ambassadors throughout the world and our guy is from Winnipeg.
Joshua talked (very well) about this past year in Cape Town South Africa where they were advocating for November 14 to be recognized under the UN as National Diabetes Day.
Diabetes is the first non communicable disease that has been recognized by the UN. This will raise the awareness and i believe will instill a better sense of urgency on finding a cure.

I always find myself making sure people know in one way or another that Emma has diabetes. It wasn't up until yesterday did i accept that this was the right thing to be doing. Now i know. It was. And it is.
Simply i am spreading the awareness of this disease. Communicating to people and showing them this is a disease that Emma and others should not have to live with. We were all put on this earth for a reason. My families function is slowly evolving.

Well this may be it for me for a while as i am flying to Calgary and then Vancouver to start my new career. I will miss Momma and Emma alot. I just hope they have a welcome home banner for me when i get home.

This is the 5 minute video that was filmed in Cape Town. Joshua shared it with is yesterday.
Break the silence.

Oh Nuts!?

2007-03-05T14:28:00.000-06:00

Upon entering the gym changeroom this past Friday. I glanced over at the air dryer and noticed a man, an old man he was, choosing to dry himself off under this dryer. He was shaking his (what seemed to be a hand towel) between his legs, i guess to expedite the drying process in his "region". However upon further investigation it was not his hand towel he was shaking but merely his nutsack! And i swear to god if he let go of one end of it, it would have smacked the poor unsuspecting swimmer sitting next to him. Good thing the swimmer had just put on his goggles i had thought.
I am pretty sure since his nutsack was so gargantuan and elastic he could climb to the highest tree, grab each end of his "cloak" and float from tree to tree, just as a flying squirrel would in search of a warm place to sleep.
With saying this i wonder what does the future hold for my sleeve? How do i manage this possibility? How do i go about damage control? Is this a natural physical change that every man goes through? I sure hope it is just a statistic. I have googled it but nothing comes up of any value to my concern. Just scary pictures of flying squirrels.
Or even it is very possible this man was a ignorant and not a very nice person to others growing up. And in turn he himself became a "nutsack of epic proportions". I guess time and gravity will tell the tale as we move on.
But until then it is supportive briefs, no air dryers, and minding my p's and q's.

2007-03-01T20:45:00.000-06:00

We had the absolute pleasure last weekend of meeting the Olsen family. They are a great bunch. Their daughters are absolutely adorable. I thought it was just super that we got to meet someone from this Diabetes Online Community in person.

Jamie took some pictures. Unfortunately my camera was dead. However please check them out on her site. Of course the couple of hours was mainly spent talking Diabetes. And that seemed to be fine for all of us. It was comforting when Jamie brought out her test kit and tested Danielle. That is the first time i have ever seen anyone else get tested. It is extremely therapeutic and replenishing to be in the presence of great people, and great people going through this first hand helps too.

I feel that we connected when otherwise we possibly would not have. I love people. I love meeting new faces. I am smitten when i get to know how other families exist and let us into their lives. Totally awesome. I would love to meet all of you one day. Maybe we can all have a party together when we see the cure. Deal?

Emma and Mom will be going to the clinic tomorrow. And i know Momma will enter that building with broad shoulders and holding Emma proudly. So she should. Because she has everything to be proud of. Her numbers have been dialed in like a well oiled machine. And the way she has been coping over the past few months with this among what has been going on in this house since her DX. Wow! Iron woman.

On a non Diabetes related note....No more UPS for me. I have officially given my notice of resignation this past Tuesday. My last day there will be next Friday. I feel really really good about that. However UPS has been a really big part of my life. I have more or less matured and gained an unprecedented work ethic from being there. I owe alot to that company, but it was time to move on and do something that i have wanted to do for a very long time.
I am now a Sales Representative for a Sporting Wholesale Company. I start on The following Monday with training in Calgary and Vancouver. This was a move that will able me to spend more time with Momma and Emma. And be more involved in every ones lives including mine.

2007-02-18T22:49:00.000-06:00

Did You Order Disorder?

2007-02-08T21:12:00.000-06:00

It is very hard to imagine that one week has passed. This has been a test. I had a very long time to study for it. My instructors have lead me well. Many pop quizzes along the way, many late night study sessions and early morning drills. But "on paper" it all looks so organized and methodical. Until the day i was thrown into the fire.
Page 1.
Name
Address
Phone Number -this was definitely the easy part. No problemo.

Page2.
Q. A family of three lives together in the capital city of Manitoba. The father (X)works long hours at a demanding physical job. The mother (Y) is a Social Worker for the Government ensuring other peoples children are safe from societies cruel intentions. The gorgeous daughter (Z) has diabetes and is a little too smart for her own good.

If: X + Y + Z = perfect
Therefore X - Y + Z = ?

A. Chaos.
I will take credit where credit is due. But when Y was incapacitated on Friday. It was like i did not know what to do. It became very apparent that we rely on Momma more than we thought. I am able to do every single task that is required at home, daycare and work. BUT not all at once in a perfect orderly fashion as we are all used to.

eg. Emma sits down for dinner. I am questioning myself over and over is this the right amount of carbs. What did she have for snack. What was her lunch number. Was she running around.
See i never have to do that on my own. I just have to put it out there and Momma usually has the answer.
I'm enjoying my supper but Emma is not eating. I'm thinking to myself this is odd, usually she at least plays with her food as soon as we sit. But a few minutes go by.
I start to worry and upon running my hands over my forehead and hair i notice something. So i got up. Walked over to the drawer. Grabbed a fork. Gave it to Emma. Then she ate it all up.
I was so worried about my basic needs such as don't fall down, sleep when tired, wipe ass. That I couldn't judge the task at hand.
Meanwhile Momma was on the Couch propped up enough to see this all unfold with tears running down her cheeks. She cannot move let alone laugh. So now she is laughing and adjusting so she cannot see us anymore. To avoid laughing because it hurts too badly.
Just then Emma mentions..."PEEE...PEEE" Oh my, quick grab her take her down and take her to her potty. Yes! Mission accomplished....so i thought.
Emma stands. I am so happy and relieved i averted a potential water hazard. Momma can see her behind and mentions without moving her lips "she has poo on sticking out of her bum Dadda."
NEVER EVER spook a 2year old with poo hanging out of their bum. Yes they tend to run away. They think a good hiding place would be behind the curtains on the other side of brand new carpeting. At this point i felt like i was hunting a gazelle in Africa with only one tree to hide behind. So i had only one choice but to flank her left side so she would run to my dominant right arm and scoop her upside down enough to balance the the poo enough until i got to the toilet where i shook her booty until it splashed into the bowl splashing me in the nose. Chaos.

But at the end of the day Momma is feeling much better today. I was waiting for her to turn that proverbial corner and start recovering. She did awesome. Our Emma knew enough to know she didn't know what was going on but to adapt the way we had to since Friday.
Emma blood sugars have been SPOT ON! The mix we give her in the morning has really dialed her in. But anyway that has been a little sliver of how our life has been. Things are going to be even more amazing when Momma recovers totally.
Life has been defining me lately and it has been filled with watching a part of me grow and take life in the form of a family. Emma has taught me more about being a man than anyone every has or ever will. Thank you for being here Emma.

Life Comes at You Fast

2007-02-03T21:33:00.000-06:00

Mom asked what i was going to do when i got home from the hospital tonite. Just 3 hours after her emergency surgery. And i said. Well I'm going to watch the rest of Hockey Night in Canada, have a beer or two and probably publish a post about this.

She "smirked" then fell back into her morphine induced state.

Please forgive me for not going into detail and being extremely vague about "this" at the moment. I don't want to sound needy or dramatic by any means but i feel this blog serves a purpose for me these days. I just need to "ink" it this way for now. Because i know how amazing everyone is on here and their support and compassion it totally unsurpassed that is needed right now. My mind and thoughts are in a frenzy right now. I have a very little clue on how Momma musters the strength and bravery that is getting her through this right now, but i do have a little bit of an idea...

Emma's Morning Routine

2007-01-25T20:44:00.000-06:00

wakes gets uspotty
downstairs

"the cupboard"
test, insulin, milk
breakfast

d-d-d-dora

The Icky shuffle

2007-01-25T10:27:00.000-06:00

Thanks for the laugh Carey i will follow suit because i need to publish something other than Diabetes today (that is essential at times), and it looked like you had a blast doing that. So these are the rules:
Put your music player on shuffle.
Press forward for each question.
Use the song title as the answer to the question.
So here it goes...(warning i have a very eclectic range on my gym mp3 player.)

What does next year have in store for me?
Go To Hell - Megadeath (GULP!)

What's my love life like?
Hey - The Pixies

What do I say when life gets hard?
Suddenly I See - KT Tunstall

What do I think of on waking up?
White Shadows - Cold Play (How sad is that?)

What song will I dance to at my wedding?
Round and Round - Ratt (Almost true but in reality it was Mr. Roboto - Styx. I will never live that one down. Every wedding i go to now i slip the DJ 20 so upon any circumstance will he not play that song. The next time it will be played will be at Emma's wedding.)

What do I want as a career?
Final Countdown - Europe (That is what it would be if i was in charge of any aircraft)

Favorite place?
Not Ready to Make Nice - Dixie Chix (Guilty Pleasure of mine)

What do I think of my parents?
Out of My Mind - James Blunt ( I will not comment on this one as my Momma reads this blog;)

What's my porn star name?
Personal Jesus - Depeche Mode (Need i say more?...Jeeeeesss--u---sss--Chris, i hear that often!) (Sorry Mom)

Where would I go on a first date?
At The Hundredth Meridian - Tragically Hip (Who says im not romantic)

Drug of choice?
Paranoid - Black Sabbath ( i couldn't have even PICKED a better one)

Describe myself
Come Undone - Robbie Williams

What is the thing I like doing most?
Bad Day - Daniel Powter (You win some you lose some)

What is my state of mind like at the moment?
Deep Inside of You - Third Eye Blind ( i hope this is just for fun because the only thing around is my cat...I'm not into that kinda thing)

How will I die?
A Little Respect - Erasure

That was seriously fun. Go Bears.

Thank you

2007-01-22T21:50:00.000-06:00

My first time publishing on Chris's site. I do read all of Chris's links and depending on the day I either am extremely saddened or I feel really empowered by every ones strength.
The past 4 months have definitely been life altering, I took for granted simplicity... Personally I have become a stronger more humbled person. I appreciate the smaller things alot more (that's so cliche). "Daddy chasing, tickling and playing with Emma until she giggling so much she's snorting, or going to the park and Emma repeatedly going down the slide "again" "again" "again", Emma running in the house searching for her "kitty" cat so she can give him that headlock hug, or wrap him in a blanket like he's her baby (he just loves it by the way). Those moments diabetes can never take and those moments are what makes me realize Emma is a happy little girl, to her she knows no different.
I soak in every day with Chris and Emma, I love our family.
I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that Emma was given diabetes because we/she can handle it. My hope is that throughout Emma's childhood with diabetes we can teach and support her to live to her highest potential with diabetes not as a crutch but an enabler.
Thank you to everyone who supports Chris and our family.
Denise

Who gets it?

2007-01-18T21:50:00.000-06:00

Sheesh i go away for a few days and my sister makes friends with the lot of you (awesome), a d-lurking has been initiated, the south and the east get hammered by winter (finally), American Idol..The Apprentice..and Football playoffs begin, and Emma loses more beta cells.

When she was first diagnosed it was all because Mom thought she had a bladder infection and the story unfolded from there. So this time around a couple of weeks ago when she caught a cold for the first time since before her dx we were introduced to the world of fast acting insulin. I don't even know the full name of it i ll just call it Novo Rapid for now.

It was definitely a sad and very challenging time when we had to break out that cartridge of rapid. But at the end of the day it is a very happy and rewarding thing we had to do. Since mixing the two in the morning her numbers have been dialed in. Amazing. She is safe. She doesn't seem to go through those agitated moments and other symptoms (for now) related with highs and lows(other than a typical two year old would anyway).

We have empowered her with this disease. She is the one who has to live with this shit. So she is the one that has to control this. We are just there because our thumbs work better than hers.

"Emma...where should we do your test.?"
"Baby...can you show daddy how to do it?"
"Sweetie what is this for?"
"What does insulin give you?"
"What was your number at Aunties today?"
"Did you have lots of energy?..did you run lots today?" What gives you energy?"

No worries we don't ask her all these at once. But they are definitely out there. And you know what?! She answers ALL of the questions. ALL of the time. Maybe she is not ready to take a test. So its up to her within reason when and how it is done.

She is too young. She is too innocent. However the hell she got this. She sure gets it.

2007-01-12T22:44:00.000-06:00

Battling -40 Celsius winter weather. As it cut right through me this past week. Working long hours. Packing for our big move tomorrow. Being introduced to some high blood sugars. Correction doses of fast acting. Has proven for a very intense week. So Internet will be hooked up on Tuesday. I will post pictures and will definitely have lots to say about Emma then. But for now i must pack this computer.
Take care all and wish for some less cold weather our way. I would love it to warm up to -25 or so.
See you all soon and take care.
Chris

Novo Virgin

2007-01-06T22:37:00.000-06:00

Talk about "jinxing" ones self. I cannot believe that on my last post i actually mentioned Emma's Diabetes as being a breeze. What an idiotic thing to do/say. We have not even gotten through one logbook yet and i go and tell it on the mountain that this shit is easy.

Through the beginning of her book i am seeing her morning numbers 4.8,5.4,5.6,4.0, 4.9 etc. You get the picture. But the last three pages of Am readings have been riddled by 5.9's, 6.9's, 6.5's etc. You get the picture. And yes so are we getting that same picture too. This is NOT going away. This is NOT getting easier. I know you all must have been reading my blogs and thinking to yourself (because you were too nice to say "out loud") this poor sucker...the reality of managing this has not even begun to surface.

Miss Emma has been sick to 3 days now. Momma took her to the Dr. today and she has a double ear infection. And her asthma is acting up like we haven't seen it in a while. She started off this morning at 6.0 (108) NICE! Midday 12.0 (216) NOT nice. Dinner 21.8 (392.4) call the on call Dr.

See this has never hapend to us before. Just like the day she was diagnosed has never happened to us before. I certainly did feel like someone tapped me on the shoulder this afternoon and introduced me to this disease once again. It hurt me. It hurt me bad. We did everything we could this past few days to avoid a call to the Dr. To avoid the next step. And that next step was administering fast acting. I know this is because she is sick. But it was a huge wake up call.

It was the actuality of cracking open that vile for the first time that ripped me. It read about how ever diabetic does this, how every parent troubles through this but i just read it. I felt compassionate for you all. But i had no freaking clue. But now i do. I guess these are times we need our support the most. These are the times we need to dig our heels in. Family and friends need to know what is going on. That is essential.

Well its late and it has been an intense day. We are moving on Friday and we are pooped. But i cannot go without metntioning the GOLD and the GREATEST. What a day to be Canadian.

Take care.

2007-01-01T20:56:00.000-06:00

One 2 year olds birthday + one Christmas + One New Years Eve = 3 weeks eating, drinking, eating, running around, tired bodies, eating and just in case i have missed it alot of eating.

But the the biggest blessing we got through this past three weeks was Emma and her Diabetes. Is it weird to think that this was a blessing to us? Or is it a way of saying that it really empowered us to take control of it. Taking control so much that in these past days she wasn't hit with extremely high numbers or low for that matter. If she ate alot we would run around, if she didn't eat much and was running around we simply put it to her that she needs to eat something so that she can keep playing. Oh god does she ever love to play.

Her diabetes really connected us to her body throughout the holidays. We generated a great feel of the trifecta of carbs/exercise/insulin. With the risk of jinxing us i must say it was more or less a breeze.

She has always been involved with testing and her insulin. I know she hears us talk about carbs, measurements, etc. That will stick one day when she is old enough to understand such things. But as for now she is really getting that every morning it is test, insulin, then milk. No matter how we do it. And i like that she changes her routine every day and if she says no or she isn't ready we just ask her to let us know when and where she wants it. And 9 times out of 10 she will turn right around and let us know where and how.

Things are going really good for now and i hope everyone had the most amazing Christmas and i wish you all the best for the New Year. I have been cheking in daily on you all. Take care.

Goodbye 2006. You were a wild one. 2007 lets see what you bring.

We let in light and we banish shade

2006-12-18T22:22:00.000-06:00

A Christmas Tag...thanks to the Pastors Daughter ;)!! Yes a warm and fuzzy feeling overcame me too just a little more than when someone comments on my blog.
My all time 5 top Christmas songs are:
1. Happy Christmas - John Lennon
2. Do They Know its Christmas - Live Aid
3. Feliz Navidad - Boney M
4. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas - Frank Sinatra
5. Winter Wonder Land - Annie Lennox
5.5 Hanukkah Song - Adam Sandler

Christmas is awesome. This one is extra special to boot. I am in turn tagging
My Sisters , Jamie , Shannon , Paul , Penny sorry if any of you have been tagged already. But i was tag happy.
Chris